Said and Not Quite Done: Outtakes & Futuretakes
by ICMezzo
Summary: This is a series of outtakes and futuretakes to accompany the story "Said and Done". Edward/Jasper slash, vamp/human. Rated M.
1. Outtake 1: Banana tears

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 1: Banana tears**

_A/N: Thank you for all of your "Said and Done" outtake suggestions. I have quite a list compiled and clearly have my work cut out for me. However, to start, here is the outtake requested by more reviewers than any other...the SaD sad tale of how Edward made Jasper cry over a banana at the supermarket, as first referenced in SaD chapter 21._

_A few quick notes about these outtakes in general:  
1. If you haven't read SaD, I suggest doing so before reading the outtakes. I'm not sure they stand alone very well.  
2. Unless explicitly stated otherwise, please assume that Edward is a vampire and Jasper is human.  
3. This story is rated M and, as always, Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize._

_Thanks to TwilightMundi for betaing and thank *you* for reading. :)_

* * *

If Jasper could have chosen any time _not_ to have gotten a Charlie Horse, it would have been when he and Edward were engaged in a bit of modified sixty-nine loving. (Edward, venomous as ever, was content with a very careful hand job while Jasper was being sucked to within an inch of his life.)

But life wasn't so kind to Jasper in terms of timing. So, tangled up in Edward's limbs, squashed against the back of the couch, and bent at a rather odd angle to ensure open access for his vampire lover, Jasper got just that: An incredibly unfortunate, incredibly thorough, and incredibly painful leg cramp.

As Jasper knew, the best thing to do in such a situation was to walk it off immediately. But convincing Edward to remove his lips from Jasper's cock took so long that by the time Jasper finally managed to get off the couch, his poor right calf was in sorry shape indeed. He would walk with a limp for the next three days.

Now, Edward absolutely abhorred any occurrence that a.) hurt Jasper and b.) kept him from catching up on 90+ years worth of missed sexual experiences. So he was steadfastly determined to never, _ever_ let a leg cramp get in their way again.

Edward, interpreting the injury to mean Jasper was hypokalemic, decided a trip to the grocery store was in order. If Jasper needed more potassium, potassium he would have.

Jasper agreed to go along, hoping to purchase some Frosted Flakes for breakfast the next morning seeing as he was almost out of Fruit Loops.

So as soon as Jasper was able, the two got dressed and found their coats and began to head to the car. It was slow going, thanks to Jasper's limp, but the rather cranky, sore Jasper refused to let Edward carry him.

Edward was not to be deterred, however, so eventually he just picked up Jasper despite his protests, and carried him to the Volvo and child-locked him inside. Very reasonably, Jasper refused to talk to Edward during the ride and instead scowled out the window.

Once at the supermarket, Jasper hobbled along after Edward, using the grocery cart as a crutch. Luckily, as far as Edward was concerned, they didn't need to go further than the produce section, where Edward began loading up the cart.

"This will be your dinner," Edward said, tossing in several heads of leafy greens and no fewer than 14 tomatoes. "And this is breakfast," he added, adding six pounds of oranges and seven grapefruit, while Jasper frowned and looked longingly toward the cereal aisle, wishing Frosted Flakes were as high in potassium as Romaine lettuce.

Meanwhile, Edward was still filling up their cart. "This is for lunch and dinner Thursday," Edward said to himself, adding three cantaloupes.

At that, Jasper finally spoke up, certain they'd had this conversation in the past. "Oh, I don't like cantaloupe."

"Oh, I know," Edward commented. "That's why I only added three."

"No, Edward. I really hate them. Even one is too many," Jasper insisted.

"But, Jasper, blueberries don't have enough potassium. You need the cantaloupe," he replied, ignoring the steam that had started rising from Jasper's ears.

"No," Jasper said, taking the cantaloupes out of the cart and putting them back on the shelf. "I need you to hear me. No cantaloupe."

But as soon as Jasper's back was turned, Edward sneaked one of the melons back into the cart and hid it under the mounds of tangerines before he moved in the direction of the bananas.

"Okay, and a banana or two with every meal for a week. Let's see, plus a few extras, I think. There, that should do it," Edward said, adding eight bunches to their growing pile of fruits and vegetables.

Jasper looked at the bananas, then at Edward, back at the bananas and then again at Edward. He shook his head, and starting returning bunches to the display shelf. "There's no way I can eat that many, and definitely no way I want to. This is a waste of—"

But then Jasper stopped, having uncovered the stowaway cantaloupe. "Edward, what's this?" he asked, trying to remain calm.

"Oh, that's lunch on Wednesday," Edward said off hand as he started to pull out his phone to Google whether dried fruit contained as much potassium as the fresh variety.

"I. Said. No!" Jasper lost it then. "No, No, No, No, No!" he said, tossing tomatoes and bananas from the cart at Edward with each word. "Why don't you ever _listen_ to me?" he cried before finally chucking the cantaloupe at Edward's head.

Edward, despite being a vampire was lucky to catch the melon at all, seeing as hands were becoming quite full.

But Jasper wasn't dwelling on Edward's ability to juggle produce. Instead, he was fighting the tears that pricked the corner of his eyes.

"You _never listen!" _Jasper continued, removing the remaining produce from the cart and setting it down on top of a nearby display of onions and potatoes.

"Jasper, don't be silly," Edward said more than a little condescendingly as he started to put the bananas, tomatoes, grapefruit and the cantaloupe back into the cart. "You're bruising your fruit. You don't want to damage your dinner!"

"It is NOT my dinner!" Jasper yelled, trying not to cry outright now in frustration and pain as he started hobbling off in the direction of the frozen pizza. He was thinking that after the day he'd had, he at least deserved this indulgence. After all, his leg hurt, he was stressed about an upcoming paper deadline, and now Edward was simultaneously ignoring him and trying to force feed him various tropical fruits.

Yes, he was definitely getting pizza, Jasper decided. Besides it had tomato sauce, so Edward could deal.

But before Jasper could even finish the thought, Edward had caught up to him, wrapped him up in his arms, picked him up and then placed him in the now empty shopping cart, after which he rapidly pushed Jasper toward the store exit. Assuming Jasper's outburst was indicative of low blood sugar, he snagged a bag of chocolate chip cookies from a shelf on the way to the exit. He tore open the cookies and put one in each of Jasper's hands and a third in his mouth before they'd even left gotten to the checkout area.

But as Edward pushed his grocery cart full of very stunned Jasper toward the exit, he realized that it might not have been a blood sugar problem at all that caused Jasper's outburst. In fact, he ultimately decided that Jasper also had hyponatremia, known for causing both cramps _and_ severe irritability. So he made sure to snag a particularly salty bag of pretzels on the way out of the store, which would help correct this particular deficiency as soon as he could feed them to Jasper.

As they passed the checkout area, Edward shoved a $50 at a cashier; the bill would more than cover the cookies in Jasper's hands and the bag of pretzels as well as the four bananas, two tomatoes, and one cantaloupe he had managed to stow in his various pockets and inside his coat.

Unbeknownst to Edward, by the time they reached his Volvo with the shopping cart, Jasper had formed a solid, if not particularly mature plan to teach Edward a lesson for treating him like a child.

Jasper promptly climbed out of the carriage with the box of cookies, limped over to the car, and threw open the door. Then, while Edward returned the cart to the front of the store, Jasper dumped the entire box all over the floor of the Volvo, crushing several with his fists as they fell.

Edward, of course, didn't care for crumbs, and he especially didn't like them in his car. But then, Jasper didn't like being dismissed, so his reaction was more than reasonable, he decided as he smashed three cookies in the glove compartment and one into Edward's preferred cup holder.

"What are you doing?" Edward gaped at Jasper, who was busily wiping chocolate chips on the windshield when Edward returned to the car.

What Jasper was doing was having a complete meltdown. But he didn't tell Edward that. Instead, he ignored Edward and started to shove a cookie into the CD player when Edward finally grabbed his wrist to stop him.

"Jasper! Stop! What are you doing?" Edward yelled.

"I'm not listening to you, just like you didn't listen to me," Jasper replied, struggling ineffectually against Edward's grip. "Let me go! You're not my parent!"

"Well then stop acting like a child!" Edward cried.

The glared at each other until Jasper's eyes again started to water and he sniffled and collapsed against the crumb-filled seat, trying not to let his eyes overflow a second time. Edward, sensing his CD player was no longer in danger, released Jasper's wrists and caught him up in his arms.

"I don't like cantaloupe," Jasper mumbled into Edward's neck.

"Shhh, okay," Edward said, comforting him, his anger evaporating in the presence of Jasper's bright teary eyes, red face, and pouting mouth. "No cantaloupe," he added, sneaking the melon he'd surreptitiously purchased out of his jacket and setting it on the pavement outside the car.

Jasper nodded, looking up in time to hear Edward sigh as he surveyed his Volvo. "I'm sorry about your car," he grimaced.

"Sorry I wasn't listening," Edward frowned. "But um, would you mind if we stopped at a car wash on the way home?" Edward was certain there was no permanent damage, but that didn't mean he wanted the crumbs ground further into the seats.

Jasper sniffled and nodded. "My leg hurts."

"I know. I'm sorry," Edward hugged him tightly before releasing him to go get in his side of the car while Jasper buckled his own seatbelt and tried not grind any additional crumbs into the floor mats with his feet.

"Look, I'll eat a banana when we get home, and I can have another on my cereal tomorrow morning. But that's plenty. And you have to back off." Jasper said, as Edward tried to see through the cookie-smeared windshield enough to drive home by way of the car wash.

Edward thought about it for a second. "Make it four bananas, two tomatoes, and some pretzels over the next four days, plus you have to help me wash the car," he negotiated, thinking of both the contents of his pockets and how Jasper would look in a wet t-shirt with soap suds in his hair. (Edward, of course, would be cleaning the interior himself, trusting no one else with such a task.)

Jasper nodded, starting to cheer up already now that he was off his injured leg and no longer facing a week of diced melon lunches. Edward's offer was fair, he decided. Besides, he liked pretzels and it would mean he'd get to witness Edward vacuuming the Volvo's interior, or as Jasper thought of it, wielding a large, thick hose while engaging in serious sucking action.

By the time the car was fully cleaned, t-shirts were wet, hoses were handled, and both of their minds were dirtier than Edward's Volvo had been. Before they even made it back to campus Jasper ended up experiencing Edward's suction capabilities first hand, and even Edward's own banana received some TLC.

And sure enough, Jasper kept to his promise to eat the bananas Edward purchased for breakfast—and he made sure to do so as provocatively as possible, which led to more than one occurrence of post-breakfast coitus.

In fact, it was a long time before Jasper could even think of the potassium-laden fruit without simultaneously getting hard and tearing up, though at least he never got another leg cramp.

* * *

_Next up: Some first time vamp/vamp lovin'._


	2. Outtake 2: In the hands of a newborn

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 2: In the hands of a newborn**

_A/N_: _So, um, hey! Hi readers! I know it has been a few weeks but I hope you still remember my boys. I kinda missed them. And then this week, they started chasing each other around in my head (literally) so I wanted to post this outtake before carrying on with a few other pieces I'm working on._

_Thank you for reading and reviewing. I know I always say that, but it's because I really do mean it. :)_

_Thanks to Missyfits and Theladyingrey42 for prereading, and to TwilightMundi for betaing._

_This outtake occurs a few days after Jasper's change. Rated M. Slash. Vamp/Vamp. J/E. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize._

_Enjoy the crazy!_

* * *

Edward normally enjoyed running. And of course he enjoyed Jasper. So it might be expected that Edward would especially enjoy running with Jasper on such a beautiful spring afternoon.

However, this could not be farther from the truth.

Jasper was, after all, not running _with_ Edward, but instead chasing him. And despite the fact that Edward was the fastest Cullen, Jasper was merely three days into his life as a vampire, so the remnants of his human blood fueled his new body such that he was able to keep almost perfect pace with his speedy vampire boyfriend.

"Edward, come on!" Jasper called as he hurtled himself over a boulder and around a bush in hot pursuit of Edward.

"No!" Edward cried back for the 57th time in the last three hours. "No, no, no!"

"Please! I promise it'll be fine!" Jasper begged, catching up with Edward just enough to grab onto his shirt, at which point Edward tore himself free and took off again minus one sleeve.

"Edward!" Jasper whined, dropping the scrap of material and dashing off after Edward, who proceeded to run in a large circle through the woods until he arrived back at the discarded shirt sleeve, which he snagged off the ground on the way by, as he was not exactly a fan of littering, and then proceeded to head a few miles to the east.

"Jasper, no!" Edward growled as Jasper nearly caught him yet again.

"But—"

"No!"

And so it went, the two chasing each other through the Olympic peninsula, both incredibly stubborn and incapable of exhaustion. Only one of them, however, was also ridiculously horny.

"Come on, Edward! I promise it'll be safe!" Jasper pleaded as he ducked under a branch and reached out for his boyfriend, who was a mere three and a half steps ahead of him.

Edward laughed sharply. "That's what you said last time!"

"But...This. Is. Different!" But his last word was cut off by a yelp from Edward when Jasper managed to grab hold of his jeans.

Unfortunately for Jasper, the denim was no match for Edward, so once again, Jasper was left holding nothing but the pocket that normally covered Edward's right ass cheek as Edward pulled ahead of him.

At least now both sides matched, Edward reasoned, as Jasper had claimed the other pocket in a clever maneuver before they'd even made it out of Forks. In fact, at this point, Edward was actually wearing just under half of the clothing he'd started the day with. He'd lost all but the collar and top third of the right half of his shirt—his sweater long gone—and he was down to only one complete pant leg, and even that was missing strips of material where Jasper had managed to grab hold briefly as they ran.

As many times as Jasper had envisioned disrobing Edward to have hot vampire sex, however, this wasn't the way he'd ever imagined going about it. But Edward seemed to be leaving him little choice.

"Edwaaaaard!"

"No!"

"It's completely safe—"

"No. It. Isn't!"

Edward knew that in time, he would quite enjoy a little chasing, a little teasing, even a little begging from his Jasper. But not when Jasper was only a few days old. No matter what Jasper said, it just wasn't safe.

Edward shuddered, recalling with perfect precision the way Jasper was hurtling through the forest. Sure, he was a vampire, so of course there was innate grace in his movements. But he was also completely unaccustomed to his new body. Earlier in the day when he'd had to jump over a small river, Jasper had misjudged the landing and flung himself smack into a very surprised herd of deer that had gathered at the water's edge to drink. And just a few miles back he'd tried to jump over a bush, underestimated his strength, and catapulted himself halfway up into a large evergreen. And then there was the time he used the trunk of a young elm for leverage as he rounded a tight corner and snapped the small tree right in half.

And while Edward was a well-endowed man, his favorite appendage was not even a quarter of the width of that poor tree, and he simply loved his penis too much to subject it to that sort of fate.

If Jasper even pulled a _little_ too hard...well, Edward shuddered to think of it. He simply could not trust his junk with a newborn. That's all there was to it.

Meanwhile, Jasper, for his part, unaccustomed to vampire sensations, strength, stimulation, and his new-found ability to repeatedly attain an erection despite the fact that he jerked off fourteen times in rapid succession earlier that morning, was filled with newborn lust and was steadfastly determined to get into what remained of Edward's pants as soon as possible. The fact that his eyes had been trained on Edward's ass for the past five hours as he chased Edward through the forest only fueled his desire.

And so it went.

"Edward!"

"No."

"But Edwar—"

"No!"

Until a rather devious idea popped into Jasper's head.

At first when Edward no longer heard Jasper's footsteps directly behind him, he wasn't worried. In fact, it wasn't until Edward heard Jasper's weak whimpers in the distance that he stopped dead in his tracks.

Had Edward been a mind reader, he might have recognized Jasper's trap. And if he had paused to think about it at all, Edward would have realized that a new vampire really had no cause to whimper—there was no such thing as a sprained ankle, bee sting, stubbed toe, or bite from a rabid grizzly—no, as an incredibly powerful newborn, there was very little in the forest that could have caused him harm.

But Edward wasn't thinking, and as he was still unaccustomed to Jasper's new durability, the previous months spent serving as Jasper's overbearing protector took over. He spun around and headed immediately in the direction of Jasper's human-sounding sobs. When he reached him, he found Jasper sitting on the ground, his head tucked against his knees.

"Are you okay? What's wrong?" Edward crouched down beside Jasper.

Jasper pretended to sniffle. "I just... thought... it would be different."

Edward wrapped his arm around him. "What do you mean?" he asked cautiously, his sense of guilt eagerly kicking in. Jasper had seemed fine with his recent transformation, but perhaps he was now regretting things.

"Well...I thought... when I was a vampire..." Jasper paused to sigh dramatically.

"Yes?" Edward prompted, tilting Jasper's chin toward him.

"I thought you would finally stop saying sex wasn't safe!" Jasper growled and suddenly pounced, pinning Edward to the ground.

"No, Jasper, wait!" Edward protested. "You don't understand!"

But Jasper simply clamped his hand over Edward's mouth, sat atop his waist, and started tearing off Edward's remaining clothing with gusto. To be fair, Jasper really didn't see what could possibly go wrong. He'd already been changed into a vampire, so what was the worst that could happen?

Meanwhile Edward flailed a little bit beneath Jasper as he struggled to free his lips so he could explain.

When Jasper turned momentarily to yank off Edward's single remaining shoe, Edward managed to peel off Jasper's hand and gasp out his explanation. "Please! Stop! Your safety isn't the issue! I don't want _you _to hurt _me!_"

Jasper whipped back around to face Edward. "What are you talking about?"

While Edward frequently protested activities based on whether _Jasper_ might risk injury, this was a very new development indeed. In fact, the concept was so strange that Jasper didn't believe him.

Jasper paused and a look of pain flashed across his features when he realized another reason why Edward might not want to have sex. He proceeded to look around, at the ground, the nearby mud puddle, anywhere but at Edward. "Is it... are you...am I not attractive to you anymore?" he said quietly.

"Oh god, no!" Edward was stunned. He grabbed Jasper's hand in his. "You are everything I could ever desire. You always were, even if I didn't know it. And now...you're perfect. Not that you were full of imperfections before, of course, but there was that one scar that you used to have on your left calf—you know, the one shaped like Czechoslovakia circa 1948? Well, that's gone, so, now, yes, you're absolutely perfect. I couldn't want you more. It really is a safety issue." Edward grimaced. "I don't want you to... um... accidentally...tearmycockoff. You're really strong now and, well, I think eternity would feel really long without intact genitals. I saw what you did to that sapling, and..."

Jasper gaped at Edward. "I'm not going to hurt you!"

"Well not intentionally, but it could happen so easily. I was just hoping we could give your body a few more days...or weeks...or maybe even a few months. I mean, even a year wouldn't be so bad..." Edward trailed off, covering his groin defensively.

In the past, Edward would have had a very difficult time envisioning any reason why, once Jasper was changed, they should not have sex at least nine times every day—well, except Sundays. Sundays, he had long ago decided, deserved at least 14 times. He'd never been a huge fan of Sundays, but he assumed this would improve the day dramatically.

But that was in the past. Now that his penis was at stake, he could see every reason in the world why they should wait until Jasper was a little more comfortable in his new skin.

Jasper, however, wasn't having it. "I won't hurt you. I trusted you. Now you have to trust me!"

"And look how well that turned out," Edward pointed out.

Jasper rolled his scarlet eyes. "Edward, I'll be really careful, I promise. Can't we just try?" He wasn't above begging.

Edward looked a bit pained. After all, he'd become accustomed to having Jasper very regularly, and going without him for six days four hours and 17 minutes was starting to take its toll. Not to mention that he'd been squirming a bit under Jasper as he'd tried to free himself and the friction such wriggling provided had felt rather good.

Jasper caught Edward's moment of indecision, and pushed further. "Maybe we could minimize the danger somehow? Surely there's a way..."

Edward thought about it. Perhaps if they started slowly, and maybe if Jasper held something else in his hands other than Edward, it might just be possible. Because until Jasper proved he could handle Esme's most delicate crystal without breaking it, he was not getting anywhere near Edward's penis.

Still, he wanted to meet all of Jasper's needs. That had been true when Jasper was human, and now as he was adjusting to his new existence—which Edward couldn't help feeling at least partially responsible for—this remained a priority.

So they put their heads together and brainstormed, and came up with a solution that even Edward had to admit seemed relatively safe. The level of absurdity seemed less relevant, however, which is why, a few short minutes later, a completely naked Jasper could be seen hanging by his hands from a low branch of a nearby pine tree, his prominent erection at a carefully planned 5'7" off the ground, which was, of course, the same height as Edward's mouth.

Edward approached Jasper slowly, and first reached out to steady him by his hips so he wouldn't end up swinging around uncontrollably. Smiling a little to himself knowing the absolute pleasure he was about to bring Jasper, he placed a delicate kiss on his thigh. When Jasper didn't react beyond a small sigh, Edward kissed him again on his hip, and when that proved safe, he moved up to the delightful flesh just below his navel and gave that area a tentative lick.

Jasper, intent on behaving himself, gave a little moan, but otherwise, held quite still as he hung in the air.

Edward's final test was to simultaneously tweak Jasper's nipple while sucking a bit at the especially sensitive place he'd learned Jasper loved right on the inside of his upper thigh.

When Jasper did nothing more than pinch his eyes shut and hiss softly, Edward assumed it was safe to take Jasper in his mouth, and he did so with gusto.

But Jasper, experiencing the incredible intensity for the first time as a vampire, was unprepared for the physical and emotional onslaught and promptly let go of his branch.

Edward caught him, of course, and helped him back up into the tree to try again.

And by the fourth time, Edward was able to actually take the entirety of Jasper's length and swallow once before Jasper's grip faltered and he fell again, Edward extracting Jasper just in time to prevent a rather unfortunate and hard to explain injury to either of them.

After that close call, Edward decided that he could live with the safety risks involved in a grounded blow job.

He found two small trees that were close enough together that Jasper could stand, legs spread between them, while grasping a trunk in each hand.

When Jasper was in position, Edward paused a moment to take in the sinful view of Jasper on display for him. Jasper sparkled a bit in the afternoon sun that cut through the trees, the rays catching against the newly hardened and perfected angles of his body, and his darkening eyes displaying the barely controllable desire of a sexually charged newborn. Of course, Edward spent the most time staring at Jasper's cock, but that had been true since the very first time he'd seen Jasper naked.

Jasper cleared his throat. "Whatcha lookin' at?"

Edward looked up briefly to see him smirking. "You," he breathed, nearly overcome as the sun moved through the leaves to spotlight Jasper's erection.

Jasper chuckled. "How about you suck now and look later, hmm? I'm told we have plenty of time."

"Sure," Edward breathed, only half-listening as he stared in adoration.

Jasper feigned a cough in another attempt to catch Edward's attention.

"Mmmhmmm..." Edward hummed, newly absorbed in Jasper's abdomen, which had clenched delightfully with his cough.

"Edward!"

"Huh? Wha—?" Edward looked up.

Jasper sighed. "Look with your lips, not your eyes, please."

Edward decided Jasper had a point. He was ready for a close-up view anyway. And so Edward found himself on his knees before Jasper.

"Don't move," Edward reminded him, before reaching to preemptively steady Jasper's hips in the event of unintentional bucking he was sure would be forthcoming.

He was right. Jasper barely contained himself when Edward's mouth was finally wrapped around him. And when Edward began using his practiced tongue to its fullest potential, Jasper's tenuous hold began to slip.

"Edward! Edward, Edward, Edward, Oh, Edward! Edward..."

The forest echoed with the sounds of Edward's slurping and Jasper's cries. It was enough to unsettle a wide range of wildlife within a 5-mile radius.

Jasper intently watched Edward's lips around him, the sun dancing across his bronze hair and features, including the hollowed cheeks that made him absolutely wild with desire.

Jasper's newly heightened senses meant he was quite quickly overcome, and Edward braced his hips in preparation for the approaching orgasm.

Truth be told, it went quite well, Edward acknowledged afterward. They both made it through Jasper's coming uninjured and intact. The trees weren't so lucky, of course. Jasper ripped one from the earth and held it over his head in victory as he came in Edward's mouth. The other he crushed in his fist so it split in two, the top toppling to the forest floor. Clumps of dirt and wood splinters rained down around them as Edward licked Jasper clean while Jasper continued to tremble before him.

Eventually Jasper pulled Edward up to hold him tightly in his arms and kiss him in sated gratitude.

"Can I take care of you now?" Jasper asked, looking down to Edward's cock.

Edward frowned, weighing his options. He was rather interested in a sexual release of his own, especially because there was no longer the need for a condom barrier between Jasper and his venom. But then, the two newly destroyed trees did little to increase his confidence that Jasper should be allowed anywhere near his own wood.

Jasper caught Edward's glance at the uprooted birch and decided he'd better up the ante. "What if we did something that didn't involve my hands?"

Edward bit his lip. "Like what?" He had a few ideas, of course, but he wanted to hear Jasper's suggestions. He decided that if Jasper wanted to watch him jerk off, he could certainly agree to that. But if Jasper wanted more...

Jasper sensed victory. "We could fuck," he said simply.

Edward glanced down at Jasper's cock, which was already hardening again as any vampire's would in the presence of a naked Edward. He looked back up at Jasper, his mouth opening and closing as he struggled to ask the question that was suddenly relevant again now that Jasper was also a vampire. "Who...I mean...would I... who would...um...Did you want to...um..."

Jasper took it easy on him. "Next time," he whispered into Edward's ear, nipping at the skin. "I want you to fuck me."

Edward tried not to make his sigh of relief too blatant. As much as he looked forward to exploring everything with Jasper, he was simply too unaccustomed to his body to make Edward comfortable with the idea of trying something new for both of them.

And so, with his own need raging within him, Edward decided to take Jasper up on his offer. Besides, a little danger was sexy.

So he gathered their discarded clothing and picked up Jasper in his arms and took off, his erection leading the way toward the north, where he had earlier passed a perfectly shaped boulder that could serve as a mud-free bed for their passionate loving.

Unfortunately, it wasn't exactly the romantic rose petal strewn bed Edward had envisioned for their first post-change encounter. He supposed he could scatter some pine needles on the rock instead; he thought them much more erotic anyway. And at least the sun was setting, so there was a bit of delightful mood lighting.

When he reached the flat rock, he lay Jasper down on it, with their clothes balled together as a pillow. Jasper reached between his legs and palmed himself as he watch Edward approach cautiously. Edward was just as concerned about the condition of Jasper's genitals as he was his own, but asking Jasper to keep his hands off his own body seemed a bit extreme, even to Edward. So he tried to ignore Jasper's dangerous but enticing actions and instead reached for his own erection, stroking it slowly.

"So, um, we don't need lube or condoms anymore, but a bit of, um, moisture wouldn't be a bad thing," he explained, noting that he should donate their remaining crates of condoms to the local Planned Parenthood. "Venom works well, or so I've been told."

Jasper raised an eyebrow, but to Edward's relief, he didn't ask any questions about the four extremely uncomfortable conversations he'd had with Emmett on the subject.

"Well then, you'd better come here," Jasper said, shifting to his side so he could reach for Edward.

"Uh, no hands, okay?" Edward reminded him.

"Oh, right," he quickly pulled his hand back.

"And, um... you'll be really, really careful?" Edward asked warily.

"Of course," Jasper confirmed solemnly.

Edward nodded and stepped up to the rock, nearly quivering with anticipation as he took himself in hand to guide his body so he could brush his tip against Jasper's lips, tracing the lines of his mouth, feeling for the first time Jasper's flesh directly against his most sensitive skin. Edward decided at that moment that, if there was a heaven, it was completely devoid of latex sheaths. (Other previously banned items included werewolves, piano concertos in C-flat Major, Rosalie's temper, and Coke, for obvious reasons.)

Meanwhile, Jasper peaked his tongue out to taste Edward, who hissed and reached instinctively to Jasper's head. Jasper, however, barely noted the response, as he was busy savoring the Edward's rich flavor as opposed to the rather offensive taste of latex he'd never quite become accustomed to. He then began licking Edward with enthusiasm, and things quickly became a quite sloppy.

Edward stared, completely enraptured as Jasper worked over him, and fully unaware of the fact that he was humming continually - at increasingly high pitches - as Jasper became bolder in terms of force and suction and their mutual excitement grew.

Soon, Jasper's entire mouth and more than a little venomous saliva had coated his entire length and Edward was emitting sounds no longer audible to humans over the age of 30.

Eventually, Edward pulled back regretfully, as Jasper's mouth was such a lovely place to be sans condom, though he knew his ultimate destination would be even better still.

Jasper settled on his back and bent his knees in anticipation, while Edward moved around to the other side of the rock, moistening his fingers as he went.

Once he was settled, Edward started slowly, giving Jasper time to adjust—a little lick of his tongue here, a little massage there, a little press of a finger there, and Jasper was squirming and groaning on his rock, desperately pleading for Edward.

Edward, meanwhile, enjoyed the feel of his mate's solid form. He liked not having to worry constantly that he might crush him or accidentally thrust a little too hard. Just thinking about how he would finally be able to completely let go (something that Edward had never actually managed to do and probably never would), made him so excited that he couldn't wait any longer. He knelt on the rock between Jasper's legs.

"So, ready Jasper? Great! I'm just gonna, well, you know what I'm gonna do, so um, hold on tight. To the rock, I mean, not your, um, yourself, because you don't want to, you know, damage anything..." he babbled as he got into position.

Jasper would have looked at Edward like he was crazy at that point, except the overeager Edward had already decided enough was enough and had begun enter his happy place, also known as Jasper's ass. So all Jasper was able to do was utter a beautifully drawn out "Fuuuuuuuuuck" in response, as he felt for the first time, Every. Single. Thing.

Edward simply marveled at the reactions of Jasper's new body as it gripped him with unprecedented strength. That is, until he decided to really take Jasper out for a ride for the first time, at which point he fucked him so hard that both of them lost the ability to do much besides gasp and groan and cry out rather nonsensical phrases to the heavens.

Jasper would swear later that at one point Edward mumbled something about Jasper's ass "being better than fucking Velcro," which, being familiar with the texture of Velcro, Jasper had sort of assumed had always been the case, even when he was human.

And Edward, for his part, was quite certain that Jasper had actually said either "copulate with me harder" or "give me your grain-filled tower" at one point in ancient Akkadian.

At some point it might be suggested that it was a good thing the two of them were cute.

Regardless, they enjoyed each other's company so much, that when Edward came with a final thrust and Jasper came across his stomach, they merely made out for two and a half minutes before Edward was ready to go again, at which point, Jasper got on his hands and knees and Edward slammed into him from behind with abandon.

The finally stopped sometime just after midnight, when their boulder-turned-bed had been so severely decimated it was impossible to continue what with the uncomfortable angles and the small stone fragments that threatened to become lodged in places Edward was rather they didn't.

When Jasper finally climbed off Edward, he saw for the first time in the moonlight the destructive capabilities of their venom. Patches of nearby grass were deadened and a chunk of moss was completely burned through. And there was one small bush that would never recover from where Edward had wiped his hand on the leaves at one point.

"That's what you did to my ass?" he gaped at Edward, pointing at the ground.

"Well, you wanted me to!" he said defensively.

"I just...wow. I had no idea. It's different reading about it in a legal document compared to seeing it first hand, I guess." Jasper shook his head as he pulled Edward to him, to kiss him. But before Edward could utter yet another apology, Jasper silenced him with a kiss. "I love you."

Edward echoed the sentiment before suggesting they head back home to shower, as he managed to get quite a bit of dirt under his nails and not a little cum in his hair.

And so the two ran back to Forks, naked and thoroughly decorated with their own poison, but at least their genitals were completely intact.


	3. Outtake 3: Bloodshot

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 3: Bloodshot**

_A/N: I wrote this little SaD outtake for the awesomesauce YogaGal's birthday. (Happy Birthday, bb!)_

_The outtake occurs somewhere around chapter 22, so Jasper is still human. __Rated M. Human/Vamp. J/E. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize._

_Thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Missyfits for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing!_

_Enjoy!_

* * *

Edward sat on Jasper's couch, perfectly still but for his knee, which bounced in a nervous manner. It was a habit he'd picked up from Jasper. (Other recently acquired habits included scratching his stomach when he was deep in thought and emitting a loud belch after dinner—Edward didn't actually eat; he just did it when Jasper finished.)

He was horror-stricken.

No matter how hard Edward thought about it or how hard he bounced his leg, he simply couldn't understand how Carlisle could have done such a thing to him. Despite what the note in his hands told him, it was simply incomprehensible.

_Relax. Enjoy it. Besides, you have to learn how to stop. - Carlisle_

Edward wanted to snort every time he read the note Jasper had handed him from his father, but that would have meant breathing, and under the circumstances, breathing was _not_ something Edward was interested in doing.

Because he knew what he would smell when he did.

Blood.

Human blood.

Human blood that Edward was meant to _drink._

It was a pint, to be specific, and it was currently housed in Jasper's refrigerator, waiting for him. It wasn't exactly hot and pulsing, or even particularly fresh—it had been donated to the hospital by a young woman a few days prior but was unusable to the human population because she had recently visited a country plagued by malaria. Carlisle had snagged it before it had been disposed of. And thankfully, it was AB+, Edward's least favorite. For these reasons alone, Edward's normally golden eyes remained jet black and were not already a brilliant red.

"Can I come out yet?" Jasper called from behind the locked bathroom door, where he'd been banished until Edward regained control.

"NO!" Edward yelped, reading Carlisle's note yet again, seeking guidance. But even with his senses sharpened thanks to the scent of plasma that had invaded his brain, he was at a loss.

How could Carlisle have put them in this position, and why had Jasper asked him to? Edward thought back to the conversation that had gotten him into this predicament.

It was a few days prior and Edward had spent a good deal of time rolling his eyes as the sweet smell of marijuana floated through Jasper's dorm, very typical for a Thursday night on campus. To be fair, however, rolling his eyes was one of Edward's only options. He'd never experienced pot himself and smoking was not only completely ineffective for a vampire, it was downright hazardous considering his extreme flammability.

But before Edward could roll his eyes yet another time (for emphasis), he was distracted by the trace of Jasper's fragrance in the air. It meant his boyfriend would be home within a few minutes. Delighted, Edward quickly sent off his latest Words with Friends entry ("bloodless" for 128 points) to Alice, and sat back to wait, trying to ignore the ever strengthening scent of _Cannabis sativa_ wafting through the building.

Sure enough, Jasper let himself in the door a few minutes later, and quickly took off his coat and shoes before joining Edward, who sat wide-eyed, mouth-gaping on the couch.

Edward, of course, had realized the minute Jasper opened the door that for once it wasn't the undergrads next door that were in possession, but that it was his human who was apparently turning to recreational drug use. "Jasper!"

"Wait, before you say anything, let me explain," Jasper begged.

"But, Jasper! It's illegal! And what do you need drugs for anyway? Am I not enough for you?" Edward's mind raced. "Or is it for someone else?" He narrowed his eyes, and frowned. "Jasper, are you...are you a dealer?"

Jasper cackled and pulled the small bag out of his pocket. "Am I a dealer? Edward, this is barely enough for one person."

Edward huffed. "Still illegal."

"So is faking passports and identities," Jasper pointed out, which earned him another huff from his boyfriend.

"Edward, it's just a little pot. It's no different than us getting a beer. I'll keep the lighter far away from you and my hair—and eyebrows," he added quickly before Edward could interrupt. "And I certainly promise never to become a drug dealer or flunk out of school because I spend all of my time getting high. And you are absolutely everything that I need. I just thought this would be fun one night. Maybe this weekend. That's all."

Edward grunted in response and considered the situation. Now that his overprotective personality was mollified by Jasper's assurance he wasn't determined to throw his life away or end up in jail, it reverted back to his other natural emotional state: somewhat irrational jealousy.

Edward simply didn't want anything but himself touching Jasper's lips, and that included Mary Jane. But before he could tell Jasper that, thereby impressing his boyfriend with his knowledge of drug-related slang, Jasper's eyes lit up with an idea.

"Why don't you try it too?" he grinned.

Edward laughed. "It won't work. Believe me, Emmett has tried. Several times."

Jasper nodded. "So vampires can't get high or drunk or anything?"

"Nope. But that's okay. Blood—human blood, especially, is the only thing that comes close. But it doesn't matter. I hardly feel I'm missing out. You're the only drug I need," Edward told him seriously, grabbing his hand. "You're my personal brand of heroin."

"I know," Jasper said.

(He did. Edward told him every night as he went to sleep. He also repeatedly mentioned something about a lion and a lamb, but Jasper had never been able to make sense of that one because neither of them was particularly sheep-like, and he had asked once and Edward didn't even particularly like the taste of sheep. He also usually mentioned that Jasper was his life now, which was a lot of pressure, if Jasper was being honest. Frankly it was no wonder that Jasper wanted to smoke a little bit to unwind.)

"Good." Edward smiled and they drifted off into silence and it was during those few minutes that Jasper had decided that if he couldn't provide Edward with his personal brand of heroin, at least he could get Edward another variety to enjoy while Jasper smoked a bit.

The blood had been surprisingly easy to obtain. He'd emailed Carlisle, who had been eager to help, though he hadn't quite explained why. But he had provided Jasper with the pint of blood on short notice, and had given him instructions on how to warm it up along with the accompanying note for Edward. Carlisle had dropped it off that afternoon while Edward was at a concert with his piano professor.

But the moment Edward arrived home from the performance, Jasper realized he'd underestimated Edward's reaction. He'd expected some hesitancy before Edward bought into the idea, of course, but he hadn't been expecting to spend an hour and a half pacing in a locked bathroom while Edward freaked out in the living room.

Jasper sighed, and sat down on the edge of the bathtub to wait when he heard Edward get up off the couch and walk slowly toward the kitchen. But when Edward opened the fridge and then slammed it shut whimpering, Jasper guessed it would be a while longer until he was released, as it was the fourth time Edward had done this in the last hour. Jasper was surprised when a few seconds later, he heard a soft knock on the bathroom door.

He hurried to unlock it. "Do you want to come in?"

Jasper interpreted Edward's soft whine as a yes, so he slowly opened the door.

Edward threw himself into Jasper's arms. Jasper held him tightly, stroking his back in an effort to calm him further.

"I'm sorry, I just thought it would be fun if we could both get a little high, that's all, and you said vampires only got high on blood, and then Carlisle seemed to think it was a good idea, so..."

Edward gave a strangled cry and held on tighter.

After some minutes of silence, Edward began mumbling into Jasper's shoulder. "Carlisle thinks it is a good idea because he wants me to learn how to stop drinking blood in front of you."

"Why?" Jasper asked.

"It's your scent. If I started drinking Carlisle's afraid I won't be able to stop, so this is practice."

"Practice for what?" Jasper still wasn't following.

"For...in case...in case...in case we have to invoke clause 39, section A(3)(g)(2)(iv) of our contract," Edward replied in a pained voice, eyebrows furrowed. "And I...have to...drink...a little...of you."

"Oh."

Edward nodded. "I can't begin to imagine how difficult it will be, but if I can't do it with a stranger's stale AB+, well, it doesn't bode well for what would happen if I had to... to..."

Jasper hushed Edward, and kissed his forehead, but Edward wasn't finished fretting. "And what if I drink that crappy blood and it makes me so crazy I just lose it and decide I want you and can't stop myself? I don't want to drink you!"

"You aren't gonna drink me, and you don't have to drink that blood." Jasper comforted him, knowing that pushing Edward was rarely the answer. He required a much more passive aggressive approach. "We'll just give it back to Carlisle. I didn't know. I just thought it would be a nice treat for you."

Edward shook his head but changed it halfway into a nod. Technically, it would have been a treat, but it was not one he thought he could indulge in under the circumstances. "Okay," he sniffed. "Maybe Rose wants it." She always liked treats.

"So you ready to leave the bathroom? Do we need to get the blood out of here and back to Carlisle tonight yet, or can we take it tomorrow?" Jasper asked.

Edward pinched his nose and frowned. "I guess it can stay in the fridge overnight." He'd just have to try to ignore the scent. He could do it. It didn't make sense to drive back to Forks at the moment.

They headed back to the living room and Jasper collapsed on the couch. Edward began to feel bad as he watched Jasper, who looked completely drained. He hadn't meant to ruin the fun, though he was quite sure Carlisle was out of his mind to have encouraged Edward to indulge along with Jasper.

_Relax. Enjoy it._

Edward sighed. While he was sure the blood would taste completely delicious, it was such a ridiculous, dangerous plot.

Jasper moved to get up, but Edward stopped him. "What do you need? I'll get it."

"I was gonna get a beer. I could use it," Jasper admitted. He had spent a long time in the bathroom and felt he deserved to indulge. He was afraid to bring up the pot again, lest it somehow upset Edward again.

But Edward wasn't bothered anymore by the thought of Jasper smoking. A pint of AB+ with his name on it had put things in perspective for a moment. So when he came back to living room with the beer, he also picked up Jasper's lighter from the dining room table. "Just because I can't indulge doesn't mean you shouldn't," he said charitably, handing both to Jasper.

Jasper studied Edward. "Really?"

"Go for it."

"Sweet!" Jasper darted into his bedroom and came back out with the small bag of weed. With a hand more practiced than Edward would have guessed, he rolled a joint and sat back down on the couch.

Edward tried not to grimace at the miniscule distance between Jasper's thumb and the flame of the lighter.

It wouldn't have mattered, however, as Jasper wasn't paying attention to Edward anyway. He was concentrating on the sweet burn in his lungs, something he hadn't felt since Edward entered his life. (Ironically, Edward had felt nothing but that since Jasper entered his.)

Though Jasper had never smoked regularly, he was glad Edward and pot weren't mutually exclusive. He enjoyed a little chemically enhanced relaxation every once in awhile.

Edward studied Jasper's lips with even more fascination than normal when he parted them to exhale. When he saw them stretch into a grin, he glanced at Jasper's eyes.

"I think you better come kiss me," Jasper told him.

Edward was happy to oblige, and sat back down on the couch next to Jasper afterward, not hiding the fact that he licked his lips afterward so he could reflect on the unfamiliar new flavors.

"Did you want to try?" Jasper asked before taking another pull.

Edward shook his head quickly, even though he was secretly tempted. He wanted to know what it felt like, or if it was anything like the time he'd inhaled a bunch of ash when Rosalie has stuck his head in the fireplace after she got mad at him for stealing her hair gel.

He watched out of the side of his eye as Jasper took another pull, but tried to appear focused instead on edge of the couch cushion he was fingering.

He hazarded a quick glance at Jasper, who was smirking. He held out his hand to Edward. "Here, try it."

Edward accepted the offering warily, sniffing at it a bit and verifying there was no way it could light him on fire before he placed it to his lips and inhaled a little bit—just to see.

Almost immediately he handed it back to Jasper, quite unimpressed, though he had to admit it wasn't as bad as the chimney dust he'd encountered thanks to his sister's temper.

Jasper chuckled. "Hey, you tried. It's good to try new things." He paused to take another hit. "You know, there is something else you could try—" he started to say, but Edward cut him off with a look.

Jasper shrugged. While he was pretty sure Edward could handle the blood in the kitchen, and Carlisle had supported his idea, if Edward didn't want to try, that was up to him. Jasper was starting to have trouble caring.

Indeed, Jasper looked quite relaxed, half melted into the couch with a lazy smile. Edward watched him for a moment, slightly envious and wondering what it was like, having never fully relaxed in nearly a century.

Edward's glanced at the fridge. He doubted human blood would give him that experience, but he couldn't be completely certain. Come to think of it, he couldn't be sure it would definitely want to make him drink Jasper either.

How was he to know? His gaze landed back on Carlisle's note, still sitting on the coffee table in front of him.

_Relax. Enjoy it. _

Edward shook his head. There was nothing about it that was a good idea. Even if the blood was everything he imagined it would be, tasting it while Jasper was around would put him needlessly at risk.

But then, perhaps it was a good idea to find out how it would affect him. That way he'd know in the event of an emergency.

Jasper watched Edward's eyes dart between the fridge and the coffee table and guessed Edward's train of thought. Subtlety wasn't exactly his boyfriend's strong suit.

After exhaling another smoky breath, Jasper casually tried again. "I guess from what you said, I thought it would taste good."

Edward sighed. "I'm pretty sure it would be amazing."

"But you can't—"

"No."

Jasper hummed noncommittally.

"Do you think Rosalie will enjoy it?" he asked after some time had passed.

Edward looked up. "Yes," he grudgingly admitted, less eager now to share it with her now that he was reminded of their fireplace encounter.

"But you wouldn't—?"

"No," Edward confirmed quickly, though Jasper saw his eyes flicker back to the fridge.

Jasper dug into his pocket and took out the directions for heating the blood, and handed it to Edward. "Carlisle gave me that, just in case. But he said you'd remember how because of when you got some ready for Emmett when he was a newborn."

"I remember." All he had to do was set the container in some hot water on the stove for a few minutes until it reached the right temperature. It was quite easy. And then he recalled exactly how good it smelled as it warmed.

Edward swallowed.

It had smelled really, really good.

Not as good as Jasper, of course, but close.

"Would it even make the trip back to Forks?" Jasper asked eventually. "I wouldn't want it to go bad during the long ride."

Edward scratched his stomach as he thought about it. Jasper had a point. It might warm up too much. "Wouldn't want it to go to waste," he murmured.

"Definitely not," Jasper encouraged. "It would be wrong."

Edward agreed, his eyes now glued to the door handle of the fridge.

"Maybe you should show me how to heat it up for you, just in case I have to do it sometime?" Jasper tried.

"Why would you need to do that?"

Jasper shrugged and got up off the couch, heading to the kitchen. "I don't know. But you might as well show me, you know, just in case."

"I don't know..."

However, Edward followed him, his use of vampire speed betraying his eagerness.

It was then that Jasper knew he'd played his cards exactly right. He was pleased that he understood so well the inner workings of his boyfriend. Edward just needed to approach new ideas slowly and with much deliberation. At the end of the day, Jasper loved him for his quirks, and because, even if it took some time, Edward eventually was willing to try.

When Jasper got close to the fridge, Edward stopped him, and forced him back a few steps. "You'd better let me." Humans were so clumsy, and Edward didn't want Jasper dropping it and having the liquid spill all over the floor.

"Of course," Jasper agreed, heading toward another cabinet to dig out an appropriate pan, which he then filled in the sink. Edward watched, cradling the dark red fluid-filled container almost lovingly in his hands.

After putting the pan on the stove, Jasper decided to let Edward progress at his own pace. He retreated to the bedroom and must have dozed off because he awoke with a start when he heard a crash. Jumping up off the bed, Jasper dashed back into the kitchen, where he found Edward sitting on the floor. He was using his finger and tongue to lick up the last of the remnants of what had to have been blood off the bottom of a saucepan.

Jasper tried not to gag as he looked around. The lid for the pan lay about eight feet away against the stove, which must have been the crash Jasper heard, though he really had no interest in knowing how or why it had landed there.

It was then that Jasper realized the entire kitchen was in disarray. Water, pans, and various utensils and mixing spoons were everywhere, despite the fact that Edward didn't actually seem to be using anything but his finger at this point. And he really didn't understand why Edward had gotten the box of croutons and tub of Crisco out of the pantry, but he supposed it must have had something to do with the opened can of kidney beans sitting on the counter. The yellow puddle on the floor was inexplicable, as was the carrot Edward had used to prop open the oven.

Edward seemed oblivious, however, and merely burped proudly as he finished his meal, drawing Jasper's attention back to him. Jasper found he didn't have it in his heart to care about the mess, because the look on Edward's face made it completely worth it.

Sure, his eyes were already scarlet, which was a little freaky, but he'd set down the pan he'd licked clean and was now resting back against a cabinet with a look of pleasure Jasper had never seen before on his face.

It somewhat resembled the blissful expression Edward had adopted the first time they'd had sex, but it was far less tense.

Jasper approached Edward slowly and he knelt down beside him to put his hand on Edward's knee. "So, how was it?"

Edward smiled idly. "My throat doesn't hurt any more."

Jasper grinned. "So it was good?"

Edward nodded, unable to find the words to describe what he'd just experienced. Eventually he settled on "Really, really good."

"Good." Jasper wanted to lean in to kiss Edward, but wasn't sure he could do it without vomiting, so he gave him a quick peck on the cheek instead. Edward, a little out of it and unused to feeling completely sated, barely noticed.

"I think...I think I'm gonna ask for another for Christmas."

"Oh yeah?" Jasper squeezed Edward's knee.

"And my birthday," he added seriously.

Jasper laughed. "Sounds good." He got to his feet and pulled the sluggish vampire to his. He looked around and decided cleanup could wait until morning. Teeth-brushing, however, would not, so he pulled Edward into the bathroom and handed him the toothbrush and toothpaste.

Edward looked at it sadly. He wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to the lingering flavor on his tongue, but he could tell he wasn't going to get to kiss Jasper again until he did. He dutifully washed and brushed and then brushed again when he saw Jasper still looking a little green.

While Jasper gargled some mouthwash, Edward studied their reflection in the vanity mirror.

"We're twins!" he announced suddenly. "We've both got red eyes."

Jasper snorted and nearly swallowed his mouthwash at Edward's observation.

"So should we do this again some time?" Jasper asked as they finished up and started undressing to get into bed.

"You can, but I'd better not," Edward sighed. "It's too dangerous."

"Yeah—especially for my kitchen!" Jasper pointed out as they climbed in and Edward flicked out the lights. "You're cleaning that up, by the way."

"Of course," Edward promised as they snuggled up. He watched as Jasper's eyes drift shut and listened as his breathing started to even out before beginning his nightly monologue.

"_You're like a drug to me, my personal brand of heroin. But more than any drug, I love you, and you are my life now..."_


	4. Outtake 4: Bling

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 4: Bling**

_A/N: Happy Birthday, TwilightMundi! This Said and Done outtake was written for my fabulous beta, TwilightMundi. Thanks for everything, bb, and I hope you enjoy this bit of fun! _

_This outtake is set sometime around chapter 23. As always, SaD is E/J slash. Vamp/human. Rated M. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Thanks to SweetandSaltyff for all of her assistance with this outtake. From plot bunny to final edits, she helped bring it to life. Thanks also to Missyfits, and Yogagal for prereading._

* * *

Every.

Single.

One.

Edward huffed. And hit the "next" arrow another time.

Again!

And Again!

It didn't take a vampire to figure out that Jasper had a little fetish of his own. Edward narrowed his eyes as he clicked through photo after photo in Jasper's porn collection.

They all had something in common, and it wasn't extraordinarily large man bits.

They were...pierced.

A lip, an eyebrow, an ear.

A penis or two.

And most often? Nipples.

He'd never seen so many pierced nipples in once place before.

Edward frowned and glanced over at the sleeping human beside him.

Pierced.

The one thing Edward could never be.

After all, what could pierce vampire flesh?

**xXxXx**

Jasper and Edward were walking home from the library one night holding hands when they crossed paths with another graduate student in Jasper's division.

They stopped to chat with him for a moment.

Well, technically Jasper chatted for a moment.

Edward just stood there and glared.

Not so much at the student, but at the tongue ring that flashed in his mouth, at the barbell that ornamented his ear, and the outline of the hoops piercing his nipples, clearly visible through the thin fabric of his shirt.

Edward glanced back at Jasper, who was talking animatedly about some potsherd he'd translated earlier that day. But Edward saw his boyfriend's eyes flicker to the man's tongue more than once and his chest more often still.

It was the last straw. Edward was going to find a way to put unnecessary holes in his _mammary papillas_ if it was the last thing he did.

**xXxXx**

What could pierce vampire flesh?

Edward was determined to find out.

And it was a good thing he was stubborn because things were not going very well.

Where there's a will, there's a way, Edward reminded himself as he held yet another needle to his chest. But like the others, it shattered before it managed to pierce even the most outer layer of his stony flesh.

He moved on to the nails he'd picked up from the local hardware store, and didn't give up until he'd broken or bent all five dozen that had come in the package.

After having similarly poor luck with a staple gun, drill bit, and magical incantations, Edward gave in and e-mailed Carlisle for help. Surely the hospital had something that would work?

He booted up his computer and called up Google. A few dead-ends later he was ready to give up, when suddenly he located a website that sold diamond cutters.

He ordered seven.

Rush delivery, of course.

He wanted to be everything that Jasper desired. And as soon as possible.

**xXxXx**

While he waited for his new purchases to arrive, he decided to take a trip to the mall. Edward wasn't generally a fan of malls, however, he was in need of a jewelry store, and he knew there were several in the nearby upscale shopping mall.

"Can I help you?" a saleswoman asked him as he entered the first store.

Edward nodded vigorously. "I would like to purchase your best clip-on nipple rings. I would prefer a white gold, if possible, as I feel it would be most complimentary to my skin tone. But I would be willing to try on others if you feel they would be befitting of my nippular area."

He quickly took off his shirt to illustrate, but she immediately squawked at him, so Edward pulled his shirt back down over his head just in time to see her manager come from the back room.

He was quickly ushered out of the store.

He didn't take off any of his clothing in the next store, but he was no more successful.

They laughed at him there.

At least the woman working in the third store recommended a place for him to try next. "Second floor, on the right," she had said. "It's called 'Spencer's'."

While Spencer's was eye opening for Edward with its vast collection of inflatable dolls, lava lamps, and plastic handcuffs, it didn't have what Edward needed either. Sure, they sold body jewelry, but nothing that met his high standards—Jasper deserved the best, didn't he?—and none of it was clip-on.

Frustrated, Edward left the mall and headed back home.

To add insult to injury, Carlisle finally got back to him, calling Edward during the drive home with more bad news. Apparently his father wasn't willing to risk damaging the hospital's multimillion dollar equipment in what he was sure would be a failed attempt at drilling holes through his son's nipples.

At least his Internet order would arrive the next day.

**xXxXx**

Would Jasper _never_ leave?

Edward was trying not to pace as his boyfriend watched cartoons on his couch. Jasper didn't even _like_ cartoons, yet there he sat watching Spongebob.

"Well, I guess I'll get in the shower," Jasper finally said.

"Yes, I guess you will," Edward replied, earning himself a raised eyebrow from Jasper. It was already nearly 11 a.m., and Jasper hadn't budged from the couch since Edward's package had arrived at 9:15 that morning. How was Edward supposed to pierce his nipples with heavy machinery if Jasper wouldn't leave him alone for a single minute?

Jasper shrugged. Once in awhile he liked a lazy Saturday morning. He also was very aware that Edward was up to something because of the distinctive gleam in his eye.

The last time Jasper had seen that gleam, Edward had unveiled a plan for them to purchase the American branch of the condom manufacturer, Durex, explaining how, over time, doing so would actually be a cost-saving measure for them.

But at 11 a.m., Jasper's desire to shower finally won out over his determination to figure out what Edward was up to, so he gave in and headed to the bathroom.

By 11:16 a.m. Jasper emerged from the bathroom bathed, shaved, brushed, and ready for the day, whereas Edward had done little but break all seven diamond cutters on his nipples and then tear a pillow to shreds in frustration.

Jasper helped Edward pick up the feathers and somehow managed to refrain from asking the many questions dancing on the tip of his tongue.

**xXxXx**

As Jasper slept that night, Edward lay beside him staring at the ceiling. He was certain the answer was out there.

He pinched his nipples experimentally. They didn't feel so hard to him.

So why couldn't he figure out a way to—

And then the answer came to him. It was brilliant.

He just needed Emmett's help.

He sent a quick text to his brother, informing him that he needed a bit of a favor and would visit the next day.

**xXxXx**

Edward wasn't one to resort to coarse language, but mother fucker, his nips hurt.

Still, it was worth it, he decided, gazing down at his chest ,through his shirt, he could see the outline of the titanium that now ornamented his body.

Edward felt a little badass with his new piercing, and he kinda liked it.

He touched one gently, but even the light brush caused him to yelp reflexively at the intense pain. Well, vampire flesh healed quickly; he'd be fine by the time he got back to Seattle.

Putting his hand back on the steering wheel, he pressed harder on the gas pedal of his Volvo.

He couldn't wait to get home to Jasper.

**xXxXx**

Edward was positively giddy when he arrived home.

Jasper's term paper deadline, however, was fast approaching regardless of Edward's mood. So no matter what Edward did to gain Jasper's attention, Jasper ignored him and went back to work.

After an hour of failed attempts, Edward gave up on subtlety. He peeled off his shirt and strode around the living room posing in several of the positions he'd picked up on from Jasper's pierced men porn collection that best showed off his new bling.

Eventually Jasper was forced look up from his laptop.

Edward smirked and ran his hands over his chest, before flexing his biceps.

"What the hell did you do?" Jasper gaped.

"Do you like?" Edward grinned saucily, posing again with his arms over his head while he pushed his chest out.

"I...um... how?" Jasper looked confused. If Edward was capable of being pierced in any way, Jasper wanted to know about it. After all, Jasper hadn't always been a bottom and might have been a tad interested in doing a bit of Edward-piercing himself.

Edward mumbled some unintelligible response and turned to the side to give Jasper a profile view.

"So?" Edward prodded. "What do you think?"

"Well, fuck, I mean, it's totally hot, Edward. But, I had no idea you were considering...Wait, is this what you were up to with Emmett today?" Jasper was slowly putting two and two together.

Edward nodded. "Yup."

"Did Emmett pierce his too?" Jasper asked.

"Oh, no, he didn't want me to do that..." Edward replied, turning again and puffing out his chest in an effort to distract Jasper from the finer details.

"Wait a second. He did that to you? How?" Jasper was not to be dissuaded.

"Does it matter, hot stuff?" Edward asked, running his fingers over his chest and giving Jasper his most sexy face.

Jasper rolled his eyes. Everyone was warm to Edward.

"Yes, it matters!" Jasper pouted, completely curious about exactly what had gone on at Emmett's today. He bit his lip. "I'll put away my paper and we can have sex if you tell me." Jasper wasn't messing around.

"Fine," Edward agreed. "He...um...Emmett...well...hebitme."

"Wait, what?" Jasper asked, not quite sure he'd heard Edward correctly.

"Emmett, um...bit me."

"Your brother bit you," Jasper repeated.

"Well, he didn't want to at first, but I threatened to tell Rosalie about the time that he—"

"Your brother _bit_ you?" Jasper interrupted.

Edward nodded. "Twice,actually. One for each—"

"Yeah, I got it." Jasper shook his head. "Your brother...bit you." He said it again, still not quite able to believe the words coming out of his mouth.

"Yes, and then I just popped in these little barbell things that you like right before it healed," Edward explained.

"These barbell things _I like?_" Jasper echoed. "How do you... I mean... Edward, _what_ is going on?"

"Nothing! I mean, it's just that I saw your porn collection one night and all the guys were pierced, so I thought you liked it."

"Well, okay, yeah, I do, but you didn't have to have your brother _bite you_. It's just something I think is generally kinda hot, but I think you're far sexier than any of those models regardless of any piercings they might have." Jasper watched as Edward started to look a bit dejected.

"You don't like it, do you? Is it because I don't look like a porn model? Emmett tried to tell me that I wasn't buff enough to pull it off, and I know that all those guys in your photos are much more tanned too. And a lot of them have cowboy hats. But you know I can get a cowboy hat if you want...though I can't really do much about the tan."

Edward looked so sad that Jasper couldn't help but jump up off the couch to kiss him. He cupped his vampire's face in his hands and looked him in the eye. "Edward, you're perfect. I love you. That won't change based on hats or piercings or tans." He kissed Edward thoroughly on the lips before placing a light peck on his upper chest, and running his hands up Edward's bare skin.

Edward growled at Jasper's caress, which made Jasper chuckle.

"You're a goof and I love you," Jasper told him fondly.

"I'm not a goof, I'm badass," Edward corrected him.

Jasper snorted. "Yeah, you're badass alright. Now get that ass of yours into the bedroom so I can have my way with you."

Edward scampered off and was undressed and under the covers instantly.

Jasper joined him right after he sent a quick "Thank you" text to Emmett.

He kinda liked badass Edward.


	5. Outtake 5: A Tale of Two Tulips

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 5: A Tale of Two Tulips**

_A/N: This outtake was written for the fabulous PerfectlyPersuasive's birthday. Happy birthday, friend! _

_This one will probably make a bit more sense if you've read the outtake at the end of chapter 16, where Rosalie and Emmett bring back a gerbil and Velcro for Edward from their Europe trip. (Admittedly, making complete sense is probably too lofty a goal for SaD.)_

_Thanks to ArcadianMaggie and Missyfits for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing. __Human/Vamp, J/E slash. Rated M. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. _

* * *

Jasper strode into the Seattle humane society on a mission.

His goal? Finding Edward something besides Jasper to take care of.

Quite frankly, Edward was making him a little crazy with his excessively attentive and highly overprotective tendencies. So he decided to share the burden with a furry friend that Edward could mother all he wanted.

And Jasper knew just what to get.

He walked to the front desk where a woman sat filling out paper work. "How can I help you?" she asked, snapping her gum.

"I need a gerbil," Jasper replied, peering around rows of cages filled with tiny mewing faces and sleeping puppies. Jasper would have adopted every single one of them, had he not lived in a dorm. As it was, a gerbil was a risk, but under the circumstances, it was one he was willing to take.

The lady at the desk peered over her glasses at Jasper. "We don't have any gerbils. You have to go to a pet store for that."

"I'm not going to buy an animal when there are so many that already need care," Jasper explained, looking around. It seemed like a reasonably large operation, so he was honestly a bit surprised. "Really? No gerbils?"

The woman shook her head. "How about a kitten? Or a rabbit?"

Jasper shook his head. The pet was for Edward, and Edward was undeniably fussy. Jasper was pretty sure it had to be a gerbil, judging by the way Edward was always reminiscing about the good times he and Tulip had shared.

The woman shrugged and returned to her paperwork. Jasper was a bit miffed at her dismissal, and tried another approach. "Do you think any other shelters nearby have one?"

She just shrugged again. "You could try."

"Do you have the numbers? Maybe we could call?" he asked hopefully.

"I'm sorry, dear," she said, staring at him over her glasses. "I have work to do. We have no gerbils, and I highly doubt any other shelters do either. Cats? Hundreds. Dogs, of course. Even an occasional ferret or rabbit. But no guinea pigs."

"Well that's good," Jasper said. "Because I'm looking for a gerbil."

"Look, we don't have any. We've never had any, and—"

But her words were interrupted by a gruff voice calling from the back room. "Mallory? Hey, Mallory? I just noticed someone dropped off a shoebox with a gerbil in it. Been sitting by the steps of the back door. What should I do with it?"

Jasper grinned. "I'll take it!" he replied before the woman at the desk could say a word.

Soon, Jasper was on his way home, excited about the little creature that scurried around its newly purchased cage filled with fresh pine shavings and little gerbil treats. Edward was going to be so pleased.

**xXxXx**

Edward was not pleased in the least.

He tried to hide it, of course, because he knew Jasper had gotten the gerbil for him as a gift.

Sure, it was the thought that counted, blah, blah, blah. But the fact of the matter was, the gerbil was _not_ Tulip.

Of course it couldn't have been, and Edward knew that. Tulip's short time with him had passed long ago.

But _this_ gerbil... well, it wasn't even close.

He studied the creature through the clear plastic walls of its cage.

For one thing, it was brown, not the dark gray color that had been so becoming on his Tulip. Plus, this gerbil had the audacity to have not only white feet, but a little splotch of white on its forehead, which Edward found completely ridiculous. Was it so devoid of personality that it required such markings to appear more interesting?

Not to mention _this_ gerbil was male.

Edward didn't need another man in his life; he had Jasper.

Nonetheless, Edward tried to hide his dismay as he took the cage from Jasper's outstretched arms. "Uh, thanks."

Jasper was talking a mile a minute about his adventure at the animal shelter, and the directions he'd obtained for gerbil care, and how it was up to Edward, of course, but that Jasper thought "Petunia" was a great name for the animal.

Edward nodded and tried not to frown as the animal's little beady eyes stared back at him.

_Petunia indeed, _Edward thought, not bothering to alert Jasper to the gerbil's actual gender. _More like Not!Tulip._

Edward set the cage on his counter and contemplated the situation. Certainly, he wanted to like the creature for Jasper's sake. Knowing that Tulip had always liked to chew on his finger, and that he'd always regarded it as a bonding experience of sorts, Edward stuck his fingers into the cage as a peace offering, determined to play nice.

But Edward and Not!Tulip's already strained relationship was only further cemented when the gerbil meandered over to his hand, gave a little sniff, and then headed back to chew on the paper towel roll Jasper had provided.

Knowing how bad cardboard tasted, Edward determined Not!Tulip's reaction to be quite rude, and abruptly removed his hand and locked the cage up tightly.

Jasper, who had watched the scene with interest, picked up that Edward hadn't immediately fallen in love with Petunia/Not!Tulip. He decided that the two needed some bonding time, so he grabbed his books to head to the library, and insisted that Edward stay behind to make sure his new pet had everything it needed to feel comfortable.

As soon as Jasper left, Edward narrowed his eyes and gave Not!Tulip a stern lecture on politeness before taking the paper towel roll from it as punishment. He then set his watch alarm so he'd remember to put it back before Jasper got home, and then wandered off to play a video game.

Petunia/Not!Tulip just sighed and burrowed down into the wood chips. He was suddenly quite thankful he'd learned how to manage a troublesome owner while living in his prior home. He could tell Edward would be a definite challenge.

**xXxXx**

Later that evening found Jasper stark naked on his hands and knees, bracing himself for Edward, who was equally naked and preparing to enter Jasper from behind.

Except that he didn't.

So after a few seconds, Jasper peered over his shoulder at Edward to ascertain the nature of the holdup. Edward frowned at his cock, which was about 2 inches away from exactly where Jasper wanted it.

"It's okay, I'm ready," Jasper reassured Edward, leaning back against him to encourage him.

Edward shook his head.

This wasn't how things were supposed to go. He wiggled his ass a bit at Edward, hoping to entice him.

"I... can't." Edward said.

Jasper tried to figure out what could possibly be wrong, but came up short, so he turned around and pulled Edward into a kiss. "Why not?" he asked, nibbling on Edward's lower lip.

Edward pulled away. "The gerbil."

"Huh?"

Edward sighed. "It's watching."

"So let's cover the cage with a towel?" Jasper suggested.

"It's too late." Edward shook his head. "It knows. And it's not happy." He could tell by the way the creature was eyeing Edward's every move.

Jasper stared at him.

"It thinks I'm hurting you," Edward continued. "And it likes _you_." Edward could tell that too. The last time Jasper entered the room it smushed itself against the glass and wagged its little gerbil tail.

In order to get back to having sex as soon as possible, Jasper decided to play along. He got off the bed, grabbed a spare blanket and bent down to talk to Petunia/Not!Tulip. "Now, Petunia, Edward is not hurting me. Please don't be alarmed. It may get a bit loud, but trust me. I will enjoy every moment. So don't worry, okay? Okay."

He then threw the blanket over the cage and headed back to the bed, smacking Edward's ass as he walked by. "See? It's all good."

Edward nodded, and decided Jasper was right. So they got back into position, and a few seconds and a bit more lube later, Edward was slowly entering his lover.

Jasper appreciated the painstaking slowness of Edward's initial movements, but even when Jasper was clearly ready for a bit more action, he couldn't get Edward to pick up the pace. When the vampire eventually ceased moving altogether, Jasper disengaged with a huff and lay down on the bed with his head in his hands. After taking a moment to compose himself, he spoke. "Okay, now what?"

"It's just that...how am I supposed to fuck you when it's judging me like that?"

"The gerbil?" Jasper confirmed. "You think the gerbil is judging you?"

Edward knew it was. He could tell the difference between contented munching, thoughtful chewing, and angry chomping. And right now, Not!Tulip was clearly crunching his wood chips in a most judgmental manner.

What was worse was that Jasper clearly didn't believe him when he explained the situation.

And so, Edward, who had not willingly turned down sex with Jasper once since they'd begun making love, found himself unwilling to copulate under such circumstances.

It ended up being a night filled with solo showers, a few rather tense kisses, and mental plotting as each sought a way to make things right. Of course, it would have helped had they done their scheming together, but masters of communication they were not.

**xXxXx**

While Jasper slept that night, Edward booted up his laptop and found himself searching through hundreds of images until he found the perfect specimen. He promptly e-mailed the owner with a few questions: Was he absolutely certain she was female? Purebred? Had she learned any tricks? Did he think she would be okay with the name Tulip?

The gerbil farmer, sensing a chance to vastly overcharge for one of his thousands of young gerbils, which were definitely not purebred as a hamster had slipped in by mistake at one point, answered affirmatively via e-mail, and even offered to ship her "for free" the next day for the low, low price of $299. Edward jumped at the chance. No price was too high to have a real Tulip once again.

No, not Tulip. His new friend would be Tulip II, he decided, gazing happily at her photo. Yes, Tulip II. _Perfect._

Of course, the purchase of Tulip II meant he'd have to find a way to switch Tulip II with Not!Tulip when Jasper was at class one day. Luckily, Jasper was only human and therefore, exceedingly unobservant. Edward was quite sure he'd never even notice the switch. As for Not!Tulip, Edward would just return the rude little creature back to the shelter. He'd even let Not!Tulip keep his paper towel roll.

**xXxXx**

Sure enough, Tulip II was everything Edward could have hoped for in a gerbil. Naturally bright and eager to chew on his pinky finger at every opportunity, not to mention female. She also had lovely child-bearing hips covered in a thick glossy coat of shiny gray fur.

Perfect.

So perfect in fact, that Edward realized even a human would notice the difference between happy Tulip II and the surly brown Not!Tulip.

He was forced to protect his new friend's identity with shrewd planning. The first day after class Edward met Jasper at the door and promptly suggested they stay at Jasper's that night. He'd already had a tearful (on her part, he was sure of it) goodbye with Tulip II, promising to return as soon as possible the next morning.

Actually, this was fine with Tulip II, as she'd only lived with Edward a few hours and was already anxious for some alone time.

The next day when Jasper visited, Edward had a blanket over the cage, so the gerbil could "nap." This puzzled Jasper, as he could hear the gerbil running about in its wheel, but as long as it made Edward happy, he didn't mind.

It wasn't until the third day when Jasper stopped by unexpectedly to pick up a book he'd left behind that Jasper discovered what Edward had done and demanded to know what was going on. After first attempting to convince Jasper that he'd merely dyed Petunia/Not!Tulip's coat a new color because gray was the new brown, Edward finally caved and confessed the truth.

Jasper was quite hurt that Edward had exchanged his gift and, in the process, had supported a gerbil mill that surely had poor living conditions for the little critters.

Edward was naturally unhappy that Jasper was unhappy, even though he really had thought the gerbil upgrade made sense at the time.

It ended up being yet another night of solo showers, quick pecks on the cheek, and plotting as they tried to keep a gerbil from ruining their relationship.

**xXxXx**

The next afternoon, Jasper showed up at the Seattle human society for the second time in a week.

The woman at the front desk snapped her gum at him as he approached.

"The gerbil I adopted last week was brought back a few days ago. I need to re-adopt it," he said, preparing to receive a lecture from the woman in response.

Instead he received even worse news. The gerbil had been adopted out earlier that morning.

Jasper sighed. He'd liked Petunia and wanted to keep it for himself even if the animal wasn't good enough for Edward. As he drove home, he comforted himself with the fact that at least Petunia had a new owner and wasn't still in the shelter.

When Jasper arrived back in his dorm, he found Edward sitting on his couch looking inordinately pleased with himself. Jasper wasn't in a great mood and really just wanted to be left alone, however, so he tried to ignore the vampire who was practically twitching with joy.

After making a sandwich and sitting down at his kitchen table to eat, he finally acknowledged Edward. "What?"

Edward dashed into the bedroom and quickly returned with his arms full.

"Here," he said, holding out a large three-story gerbil cage/amusement park. Inside, Tulip II was chasing Petunia/Not!Tulip around in large circles.

Jasper's lips twitched into a smile.

"Okay?" Edward asked hopefully.

Jasper nodded, setting the cage on the table. Edward sat down next to him and held his hand as they stared at the two gerbils running through the wood chips.

After a while, Edward opened the cage and offered his other hand to the two gerbils, who immediately ran over to gnaw on his pinky finger. (It turns out that Petunia/Not!Tulip had simply not known that doing so was acceptable, as his past owner had been rather displeased whenever he had tried it.)

Once Edward washed his hands thoroughly, they departed to the bedroom to reconnect after what had been a stressful week of adoption issues.

As it turns out, while the humans were getting it on, the gerbils decided to do so as well.

A few weeks later, Tulip II gave birth to a litter of pups, which surprised Jasper a good deal, as he had always imagined Petunia to be female as well.

Edward, meanwhile, could hardly contain his delight at a world so filled with Tulips.

Sure, some of them had spots and white feet, but Edward grew to love them anyway. And it was definitely a good thing that Edward loved to count because who else would have kept track of their expanding family? Even he had to admit that Tulip IIXVIXXV and Tulip IIVXVVI were very similar.

Really, the only difference was that Tulip IIXVIXXV had one extra whisker on his right cheek, which made him one of Edward's favorites. After all, Jasper had an extra on that side as well.


	6. Outtake 6: Tangled up in Blue

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 6: Tangled up in Blue**

_A/N: This outtake was written in honor of the lovely BeautifulFigment. Happy Birthday, friend! _

_So, yeah, I recognize SaD often skirts the crackfic line. I would simply warn you that this chapter, at least in my opinion, falls thoroughly into that category. That said, I hope it is good for a giggle or seven. Now, brace yourself. It's about to get crazy. _

_The outtake is loosely tied to the one that occurs at the end of chapter 22._

_Thanks to ArcadianMaggie for prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing._

_You know the drill. Rated M. Human/Vamp. Slash. J/E. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize._

* * *

Edward wasn't home when the large package from "VelcroAmerica" arrived at his door, so Jasper went ahead and signed for it, reassuring the skeptical delivery man that it had indeed arrived at the right location.

It wasn't that Jasper knew the package was on its way, but he couldn't imagine anyone else in Edward's dorm had ordered—he glanced at the packing slip—a 20ft strip of platinum strength Velcro (with 30% more hooks!) in navy blue along with a smaller 6x6 ft mat Edward had apparently custom designed.

To be fair, Jasper didn't intend to open the package without Edward. But he was human, and humans slip on occasion, as Edward was always reminding him. So Jasper was surely not to blame when he slipped with his pocket knife in hand at the exact angle necessary to pierce the packing tape and split it along the entire length of the box.

"Oops!" Jasper said aloud, in case Edward was listening from across campus where he was in the middle of a group lecture with the rest of his piano studio.

He then sat the package on the floor, plopped down beside it, and began tearing into the box, tossing aside the bubble wrap and other filler until he reached his first prize.

A ginormous roll of blue Velcro.

Jasper studied it for a moment, crinkling his nose at its industrial scent.

He had to admit that having a boyfriend with a thing for Velcro was kinda weird.

But, he supposed, so was having a thing for a vampire. Who was he to judge?

Jasper then sifted through the remaining contents until he found not only Edward's custom rainbow colored mat cut exactly to Jasper's height, but also a 3-ft bonus roll in VelcroAmerica's most popular style, a gift they'd added for one of their best customers.

Jasper quickly put the mat back in the box, quite afraid to go there mentally, along with the smaller roll and all of the excess packaging to wait for Edward.

He kept the large navy colored roll out, however, and looked closely at it, trying to understand what Edward saw in it. Jasper suspected maybe the appeal was in the complexity only Edward could see with his extraordinary vision. Or perhaps it was the knowledge that he'd appreciated the brilliance of the fastener before it had caught on in America. Or maybe he liked the sound it made when peeled apart? Or—this was surely it, Jasper thought—Edward liked rooting for the underdog. It was why he preferred Bellini to Mozart, and Jasper to another vampire, he decided. This must be why he loved under-appreciated Velcro instead of the ever-popular buttons, glue, zippers, shoelaces, and duct tape.

Jasper had just made things worse when he combined all of Edward's favorites during the whole blueberry filling/Velcro sex incident. It had brought Edward's attachment to the fastener to a whole new level.

Interestingly, Jasper looked back on that day as "the one when he lost his mind and consumed too much pie filling," whereas Edward recalled it as "the time his dreams came true."

But then, Edward really was such a good boyfriend—at least most of the time—and Jasper really did love him entirely. And despite the number of sticky body parts involved that day, the sex had been pretty amazing.

With this in mind, Jasper regarded the roll of Velcro with new eyes.

It wasn't long before an idea bloomed.

When he looked at his watch, however, he realized Edward would be home relatively soon. So soon, in fact, that he didn't have time to waste if he was going to put his plan into action.

He got right to work.

**xXxXx**

Edward was happily skipping home from class humming a motif from Bellini's "La Sonnambula," when he first heard Jasper's cries for help.

He had never been so grateful for his aural abilities before. Instantly, his skip became a bolt, and he shot off in the direction of his dorm, where his human was in need.

As he got closer, he recognized that Jasper's cries hardly sounded frantic, nor were they particularly loud—certainly not loud enough to bring other humans to his aid. But still, Edward liked the idea of being Jasper's knight in shining armor, so he focused instead on Jasper's words.

"_Edward, help! I'm stuck! I need you! Help!"_

Jasper was laying it on quite thick, mostly because he suspected his pleas would drive Edward wild.

He was absolutely correct.

After Jasper's extra whiny final "help," Edward abandoned both his backpack (it only served to slow him down due to wind resistance) and his pretense of human speed, and ran far faster than he ever should have the rest of the way across campus, into his dorm, finally bursting into his room a full agonizing 42 seconds later.

Even if he'd taken one minute and 24 seconds later, however, Edward never could have imagined the scene that greeted him.

It was so unexpected that Edward shook his head and blinked in a few times in a rather humanlike manner to try to come to grips with what he was seeing.

Was he dreaming?

Certainly not. Vampires didn't sleep.

Was he dead?

Well, of course he was dead. But perhaps he was...more dead?

And maybe Carlisle had been right about the presence of a God who understood the plight of vegetarian vampires?

While Edward continued to stand there blinking and contemplating the sheer erotic genius that was apparently his afterlife, Jasper lifted his head from the bed, and offered a sly smile along with a final, rather hopeful, "Help?"

As had happened many times before, Jasper's voice was the pinch Edward needed to return to reality.

And what a delightful reality it was.

For Jasper lay completely naked and impressively bound with none other than the entire 20ft roll of Edward's brand new navy blue platinum strength Velcro with 30% more hooks.

Edward had his own clothes off faster than Jasper could say, "You're welcome," and allowed his burgeoning erection to point the way to Jasper's side. He didn't stop there though, instead choosing to wander around the bed in an effort to view Jasper's beauty from every possible angle, taking endless mental photos that would serve him well during those late night activities he performed while Jasper slept, typically drooling a bit, by his side.

Finally, after Edward sighed the words "utter perfection" for the fifth time, Jasper decided to get things started.

"So, I can barely move, you know," Jasper offered.

"I know," Edward agreed, the color in his voice betraying his utter joy.

"So, you can like, take advantage of me," Jasper suggested, blushing a bit.

"I know!" There was no hiding Edward's excitement that time.

They grinned as they looked at each other for a second before Edward pounced, choosing to forgo preliminaries and instead quickly engulf Jasper's length in his lips.

"Fuck!" Jasper cried in response.

(Don't worry, dear reader, it was a good "fuck." Jasper wasn't complaining because of Edward's cold lips or accidental teeth-to-cock contact or anything like that. Jasper had grown used to the temperature long ago and Edward was far too skilled to allow accidental scrapeage.)

Edward bobbed up and down as Jasper squirmed rather helplessly on the bed. Edward was pulling out all the stops and Jasper had been more than a little worked up before they'd even begun.

Fortunately for Jasper's pride, Edward was too excited to stick with one activity for very long. So any worries he might have had about not being able to last were quickly discarded as Edward soon scrambled up on top of the bed, threw on a condom, and allowed Jasper to eagerly take his own erection in his mouth. Jasper didn't have a huge range of motion, of course, but Edward didn't mind. Jasper made up for it with his overachieving tongue, which Edward watched through hooded eyes.

Edward's next activity was to trace his tongue along the entire 20 feet of Velcro that wound its way around Jasper's body, strategically kissing and adoring Jasper's flesh as he went. This involved rolling Jasper enough times that he began feeling a bit like a highly licked rotisserie chicken. But he grinned and bore it and let Edward have his fun.

When Edward finally reached the end of the Velcro, his attention reasonably wandered back to Jasper's groin, where he alternately studied and sucked Jasper's gorgeously needy length, throwing in a well placed lick after every third slurp, just to keep things interesting.

"Please," Jasper whimpered, unable to help himself.

"Please...what?" Edward smirked, kissing the tip of his cock.

"Please suck me, I need to come," Jasper begged.

"So come," Edward replied.

This left Jasper a little confused, as Edward wasn't giving him enough stimulation, and he knew it. And it wasn't like Jasper could do it himself—Oh. Oh. Jasper suddenly understood what Edward needed, and knew that if he gave Edward what Edward needed, Edward would be more inclined to give him what _he _needed, and Jasper was pretty sure if he didn't get what he needed rather soon, he was going to—well, he wasn't sure what was going to happen, but he assumed it wouldn't be pretty, and it might leave Edward's 'Cro somewhat worse for wear. So Jasper played into Edward's game.

"I can't," Jasper replied seriously.

Edward tried not to grin. "Why not?"

"Because," Jasper said slowly, drawing it out as long as possible. "The Velcro." He paused dramatically. "It's too strong."

It was Edward's turn to whimper.

"Help me?" Jasper's words were the last straw for his pale knight, who took Jasper's throbbing sword in his mouth, swallowing deeply while he pierced Jasper's chivalry with his lengthy third digit.

Under such circumstances, it was difficult to blame Jasper for coming so rapidly and with enough force that he burst through some of his bindings as his muscles clenched and released during his rather powerful orgasm.

Jasper initially worried that he might have ruined a bit of Edward's new Velcro in doing so, and apologized afterward.

To be honest, Jasper was actually quite surprised that it didn't seem to upset Edward in the least.

Then again, Jasper didn't know that a second, even larger box from VelcroAmerica was due to arrive the following day, which meant Edward didn't mind so much that the smaller roll of navy blue he'd ordered was no longer in pristine condition.

He minded even less when a determined Jasper tried to make it up to him with an enthusiastic handjob, complete with whispers of bondage, berries, and all-consuming love.


	7. Outtake 7: Gesundheit

**Said and (not quite) Done**

**Outtake 7: Gesundheit**

_A/N_: _Allergy season is in full swing and human Jasper is not immune._

_This is a teeny-tiny outtake that I posted to Twitter last week. But I didn't want to lose the little storyline completely or cause those sans Twitter to miss out, so I'm posting it here in its raw glory. A friend, the lovely sweetandsaltyff was having an off day, so Jasper and Edward came to the resc...resc...rAAAAAAHHHH-CHOOOOOOO!_

_Pass me a tissue? _

_Oh, and yes, I know I still owe you several very important and much requested outtakes. I'm sorry for the delay. They're coming, I promise. In the meantime, here's some antihistamine and a little bit of fun._

_(It really is quite brief due to the fact that I wrote it for Twitter, so I apologize to those of you who prefer longer updates. In addition, I've left in some of the Twitterisms... For example *asterisks* around a word signal either emphasis or that there is an action being performed. And each line is pretty much a single Tweet, as Tweets can be no longer than 140 characters each. And please forgive any typos. unfortunately, my tweets are unbetaed. PS Find me on twitter icmezzo.)_

_You know the drill. E/J slash. Vamp/human love. Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. Enjoy the crazy. _

* * *

"Aachoo!" Jasper wiped his snotty palms on his jeans.

"Bless you!" Edward replied.

"Aaaaaaaaachhooooooo!" Jasper sneezed even more violently this time.

"Gesundheit," Edward said, happy to show off his German.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaCHOOOOOOOOOO!" Jasper sneezed a third time, tacking on a "mother fucker" immediately afterward.

"In ancient Greece, sneezes were considered prophetic signs from gods. Odysseus' son sneezed after hearing his dad might still be alive. It was considered a good omen," Edward said.

"Well today in the North America I'm considering them a sign that allergy season is in full swing," Jasper groaned.

"Why didn't you say so?" Edward dashed to the kitchen and returned with a roll of paper towels and some cleaning fluid.

Edward then proceeded to chase down every single particle of pollen that floated about Jasper's bedroom.

Jasper blinked his itchy runny eyes, watching his vampire dart about the room in an attempt to overcome the vast quantities of allergens.

Edward soon learned, however, that no matter how quickly he worked or how many paper towels he used, there were too many points of entry.

He slammed shut windows, locked doors, and was just getting to work covering vents with deconstructed garbage bags when Jasper spoke up.

"Wouldn't it be better if I just-" Jasper started to say.

Edward, realizing what Jasper was about to say-or at least thinking he did-interrupted. "You're right! That *would* be easier!"

Edward grabbed a garbage bag, inspected its interior for stray yellow particles and, after removing the three that had managed to get inside quickly pulled the bag over Jasper's head and sealed it shut around his waist with far too much duct tape. (He was fresh out of Velcro)

"Ummm, Edward? This isn't *exactly* what I had...had...had... !"

But Jasper was unable to cover his face when he sneezed due to his unusual wrapping.

So he suddenly found himself with a newly snot-covered layer of plastic clinging to his face. He was *not* happy.

"Damn it!" Edward cursed at his failure to secure an allergen-free haven for his human.

"Get me OUT of here!" Jasper growled through the bag.

"Of course!" Edward went to work, freeing Jasper from his snotty confines.

Jasper glared.

Edward frowned. "Let me, uh, get you a tissue?"

"I think you had better," Jasper replied.

He only barely resisted wiping his face off with his sleeve. Even tho he was wearing Edward's shirt and Edward adored all of Jasper's bodily fluids, Jasper still thought it rude. And disgusting.

Edward returned a minute later with a tissue and good news. "Carlisle called in a prescription for you. I'll go pick it up."

Now that his face was dry and a sneeze-free future seemed close at hand, Jasper's annoyance evaporated quickly. "Thanks. I appreciate it."

"You'd better," Edward nodded. "Carlisle called it in to CVS." But before Edward could expound for the 536th time on his dislike for CVS, Jasper sneezed again.

"AAAAAAAACHHHHHHHOOOOOOO!"

"Ah choose you, too!" Edward exclaimed, wiping off Jasper with another tissue as he gazed into Jasper's bright watery eyes, highlighted by a pink irritated nose, and finished by placing a serious kiss on Jasper's swollen, red, perfect lips.


	8. Outtake 8: Everything in its Right Hole

**Said and (Not Quite) Done**

**Outtake 8: Everything in its Right Hole**

_A/N: This SaD outtake was written for the absolutely amazing TheLadyinGrey42 in honor of her birthday today. Happy Birthday, my friend! 3_

_This one occurs approximately eleven months after Jasper joined the ranks of the staggeringly beautiful, if slightly sparkly, undead. (Vamp/Vamp, J/E slash. Rated M.) Stephenie Meyer owns everything you recognize. _

_Major thanks to Missyfits for her brainstorming assistance and prereading and TwilightMundi for betaing._

* * *

Blue.

Bright blue.

There. On the counter.

Right where the green should be.

Edward glared at the offending toothbrush.

"That's it," he muttered. He'd had enough.

He stormed out of the bathroom, completely pissed off, the brilliant cobalt color mocking him all the way.

Didn't Jasper love him _at all_?

**xXxXx**

Alice looked up from her laptop when Edward entered. "Where's Jasper?" she asked. They were rarely apart.

Edward shrugged. "Probably off designing more plans to ruin my life."

"Edward, is this about the fact that he leaves his mail to pile up on the counter without sorting through it again?" He'd complained to her last week about that one.

"Oh, that little thing? I fixed that ages ago," Edward told her breezily. (A few days back he'd gone online and changed Jasper's mailing address so everything went to pile up at the main Cullen house instead of their own cabin about a quarter mile west on the Cullen's land.)

"Well, that's good. Is it about how he balls up his socks backward?"

"And inside-out sometimes," Edward grimaced. "But no. I took care of that too." (He had. Jasper's sock drawer was now in perfect order, though Edward would never get those hours of his life back. He also printed out precise step-by-step directions for effective hosiery-folding complete with accompanying diagrams—labeled with his favorite label-maker—and had left them on Jasper's bureau.)

Alice put her laptop down. "Okay, I give up. What is it this time?"

"His toothbrush," Edward groused. "He always puts it in my spot. Well, not always. Technically he does it 23% of the time—just enough to keep me off-guard, you know? I don't know why he doesn't just use his own spot. I've tried everything!"

(He'd tried one thing. He'd used his label-maker to put their names on their respective spots in the toothbrush holder. He'd even used their nicknames to show Jasper he wasn't mad: "Sparky" for Jasper and "Adonis" for himself. Technically, Jasper didn't exactly call him Adonis, but Edward didn't really care for "Sugar lips".)

"Can you just tell him not to?" Alice asked.

"No, I tried that when he kept putting his car keys down on the kitchen counter and he just looked at me like I was crazy."

Alice resisted the urge to note that he _was_ crazy. Nor did she ask what was wrong with putting keys on the counter. Edward's mind was a scary place and she wanted to get back to the story she'd been reading on .

"I don't know, Edward. Maybe you made a faulty vampire."

"I did not!" he protested hotly. "And he's not faulty."

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to be flexible with your toothbrush."

"Don't be ridiculous. Help me think of something," Edward begged.

"Ugh, I don't know. Go buy him one that doesn't fit in the same hole in the toothbrush holder or something." Alice opened her laptop again to show Edward that she was done discussing the matter.

"But then we won't match!"

She didn't look up.

"Aliiiiiiice," he whined. "We have to match. We're mates!"

But Alice simply ignored him and went back to reading her story of a shy, stuttering man and his dominant girlfriend, Bella. She adored the story and was unwilling to let her crazy brother keep her from reading the latest outtake.

When Edward realized he'd lost her attention, he went off in search of Emmett.

**xXxXx**

Emmett laughed so hard he fell out of his chair.

Edward did _not_ find it funny.

He glowered at his brother.

"You don't understand," he fumed. "The spot is perfect. Close to the window for maximum ventilation—critical for adequate drying—yet it receives fewer than three hours of sunlight each day, which is important for the health of the bristles. And, _AND_, it has my name on it."

"You put your name on your toothbrush?" Emmett snorted.

"Of course not. Don't be ridiculous," Edward rolled his eyes. He loved his label-maker, but he wasn't crazy. "I labeled the spot where my toothbrush is supposed to hang."

Emmett bit his lip. "So you're saying you're angry 'cause Jasper put his toothbrush in your spot?"

"Yes!" Edward stomped around the room. "And he does it _all _the time!"

"I see," Emmett nodded with a heavy dose of mocking sincerity that Edward missed entirely. "Have you asked him not to?"

"Of course," Edward huffed. (It was a lie. But weren't the name labels he'd attached self-explanatory?)

Edward stared out the window at the direction of their home. "So what should I do?"

Emmett grinned. While Edward's insanity wasn't something he could fix, _this_, he could help with. After spending so many years with Rosalie, he knew a thing or two about dealing with a headstrong mate.

"Isn't it obvious? Clearly, Jasper needs a spanking," Emmett said proudly.

Edward's shifted uncomfortably. "A spanking?"

"Sure. It always works with Rosalie. Though, sometimes I think she does things to annoy me on purpose if she knows she'll get spanked." Emmett shrugged. That was okay with him. It was totally hot. He even liked it when Rosalie returned the favor, for example when he came home late or spent too many hours ignoring her by playing video games, but Edward didn't need to know that.

"A...spanking? You spank my sist—" Edward cleared his throat. "And you think I should..._spank_...Jasper?"

"Definitely. You just bend him over and—" Emmett swooshed his hand through the air.

"Uh, yeah, thanks. Um, I just remembered, I have to go," Edward bolted for the door, the image of his hand colliding with Jasper's left cheek burning in his mind. It was enough to distract him for a full minute and a half before he decided to seek out Carlisle for advice he suspected would be lot more reasonable.

**xXxXx**

"...I mean, he has a spot for his toothbrush, so why does he have to..."

Carlisle smiled slightly at his son, patting his arm as Edward vented. Edward had been complaining for an hour now, but Carlisle didn't mind. He wasn't due at the hospital until the next day and Esme was in Port Angeles shopping for a new desk. (The one in her office was smashed, as Carlisle had been a bit too enthusiastic when he bent her over it the previous evening.)

"...do my needs mean nothing to him? I can't believe he thinks he can just put his toothbrush anywhere..."

Carlisle wasn't usually a fan of breaking furniture, as it was rather wasteful, but then, he'd been so incredibly turned on after he finished watchinghis DVD of _The Thomas Crown Affair _that he hadn't been able to help himself.(Carlisle loved that movie.)

"...I don't know why he does it," Edward kept talking, oblivious to the fact that Carlisle's attention had wandered. "I wonder if he's mad I changed him into a vampire?" he mused.

Startled back to the conversation by Edward's line of questioning, Carlisle frowned.

"Well, I _did_," Edward pointed out a bit defensively, as he launched back into his tirade.

Carlisle shook his head and went back to recalling the wanton look in Esme's eyes and the curve of her thigh against the dark heavy wood of the desk.

"And it's not only the toothbrush either!" Edward explained. "He never puts the mouthwash behind the toothpaste. He puts it in front. Always in front. In _front!_ Why in god's name would anyone do such a thing?"

"Uh, I don't know, Edward. Have you tried talking to him about it?" With Esme's memory fresh I his mind, Carlisle was suddenly eager to end the conversation with Edward so he could spend some quality time with the scent of broken wood tickling his nose while he took care of business in her office.

"I did!" Edward said. (Well, his label-maker had. Perhaps he needed to print the labels in a larger font.)

"Don't worry, son. You'll figure it out," Carlisle reassured him, as he left the room, holding a newspaper awkwardly in front of himself as he went.

**xXxXx **

Edward returned home determined.

But he ran into Jasper before he could go to the bathroom to try every one of the eleven blue toothbrushes he'd purchased at the local drugstore (not CVS, thank god. Edward was already having a bad day and he didn't need to make it worse) to find out which one wouldn't fit in the holder.

"Hey, Sugar lips," Jasper greeted him. "Kiss?"

Edward narrowed his eyes. "Have you brushed your teeth?

Jasper looked confused. "Um, I did this morning."

"And where did you put your toothbrush?" Edward asked, trying to keep his voice even.

"Uh, in the holder?"

_In the holder, indeed. _As if Jasper didn't know. Edward's patience had worn thin. "Fine, Jasper, have it your way."

He picked Jasper up over his shoulder and took him to their couch. He then sat down and laid a very confused Jasper across his lap and began to spank him. "Bad Jasper!"

Jasper started to shake, which surprised Edward enough that he stopped. "Jasper?" Edward asked worriedly. He hadn't wanted to break Jasper's ass.

But Jasper couldn't answer because he started howling with laughter. He fell off Edward's lap and landed on the floor convulsing with giggles.

"What the heck are you doing?" Jasper finally gasped out.

"Nothing." Edward muttered and got off the couch. "Stupid Emmett."

"Emmett? Edward, did Emmett tell you to spank me? You do know that's probably not exactly what he meant, right?" Jasper began laughing anew.

Edward ignored him and stomped up to his bedroom to retrieve his label maker and began to type out "Jasper, keep your brush out of my hole"—if that wasn't clear, nothing would be—but ran out of label tape halfway through his sentence.

"Damn it!" he cursed. Would nothing go his way?

Jasper came up behind him at that moment and Edward spun around, eyes narrowed—until he noticed the brand new role of tape in Jasper's hands.

"I got this for you. I knew you were almost out. And I used a bit of it to label the spot in my nightstand where you like me to keep the lube so I don't forget." Jasper handed the role to him.

Edward had been so focused on the toothbrushes he hadn't even had a chance to think about how he was going to get Jasper to start putting the lube away correctly.

"You...you labeled where the lube goes?" Edward asked, stunned.

"Well, one place anyway," Jasper smirked.

Edward whimpered as he imagined his labels in that most erotic location.

Jasper grinned and handed him the tape.

Edward looked at it, frowning as he remembered why he had needed it in first place. His earlier frustrations came flooding back.

"Now, wanna tell me what's wrong?"

"Can't," Edward said.

"C'mon, Sugar lips. Tell Sparky what's wrong." Jasper rubbed Edward's back, comforting him.

Edward sighed and began to explain.

**xXxXx **

Blue.

Bright blue.

There. On the counter.

Right where the green should be.

Edward glared at the offending toothbrush.

"That's it," he muttered, heading for their bedroom. "Jasper, get in here!"

Judging by the fact that Jasper was there in less than a half of a second, Edward could tell he'd been lurking nearby.

"What's up?" Jasper asked, his eyes large.

"Where did you put your toothbrush?" Edward demanded.

"In the holder?" Jasper feigned innocence while adjusting the erection he sported in his jeans.

Edward narrowed his eyes as his body responded immediately.

"Jasper, do you need a spanking?" he asked in a low voice.

"Fuck, yes!" Jasper breathed, and promptly stripped and climbed on all fours on the bed.

Edward admired his most favorite ass in the entire world as he swooshed his hand through the air in a move they'd now practiced many times over.

"Yes! Spank me, Sugar lips!"

Edward moaned. He loved it when Jasper put his blue toothbrush in the green toothbrush's spot.


	9. Outtake 9: Ice, Ice, Baby

**Said and (Not Quite) Done**

**Outtake 9: Ice, Ice, Baby**

_A/N: This Said and Done__ outtake was written for the fabulous Sapphirescribe. (Happy birthday, bb!) It__ involves two vampires, ridiculous antics, and, well, ice, baby. The usual terms and conditions apply: This is rated M, J/E slash, vamp/vamp. The boys belong to Stephenie Meyer. All the insanity belongs to me._

_Thanks to Missyfits, Theladyingrey42, and ArcadianMaggie for prereading. Thanks also to Missyfits for the fabulous banner, which you can view at http : / / icmezzo(dot)tumblr(dot)com/post/10348383807/_

* * *

**Ice, Ice, Baby**

"You're bored," Jasper pouted, his plump lower lip an endearing sight to the epically besotted Edward.

Edward sighed happily. That lip was his. Unlike seeing the Taj Mahal for the 63rd time, Jasper's mouth never failed to awe him. "I'm not bored."

"You're not even looking at it!" Jasper said, gesturing at the famous building. "This is dumb. Let's go home." Jasper turned and started heading away, presumably in the direction of the airport.

"But you've never seen it!" Edward protested.

Jasper turned, gave the palace an exaggerated once-over, and then resumed walking away. "I have now," he called over his shoulder.

The plane ride home was a bit tense. Jasper knew it wasn't Edward's fault he'd already seen so much of the world, but he wanted to experience something with Edward that was new for both of them. As Edward expected, Jasper continued his complaint up again during the drive home from Seatac to Forks. "You've been everywhere and done everything. Isn't there anything you haven't seen before?"

Edward shrugged. "It didn't mean as much when it wasn't with you?" (He hoped that was the right answer.)

"That's crap." Jasper rolled his eyes.

Edward huffed, thinking. "Well, then, there's only one place I can think of that I've never been."

Jasper looked up hopefully. "Oh?"

Edward nodded solemnly. "I've never been to..."

"Where?" Jasper was nearly dancing in his passenger seat.

"Antarctica," Edward answered. Before he realized what was happening, Jasper had shoved him into the passenger seat, taken control of the vehicle, and executed a U turn at an impressive speed.

"Call Carlisle," Jasper instructed his confused mate. "Tell him we'll be late getting home."

"Late?" Edward asked, wishing, not for the first time, that he was a mind reader.

"Late," Jasper confirmed, taking the exit from the highway that would deposit them back into the airport parking lot. "About three weeks late. We're taking a bit of a detour."

Several extremely expensive and long flights later, the two disembarked at the southernmost city in Argentina, purchased brightly colored swimming trunks for Jasper and (at Jasper's extremely vocal insistence) a Speedo for Edward, and prepared for a pleasant swim through the Drake Passage and onto the dark continent.

It wasn't a terribly long swim—a few hours depending on the current—and using the directions Carlisle had texted them (right at the iceberg shaped like Esme's breasts, then left at the one that resembling Emmett's Alligator Pillow Pet) and the stars as a guide, they navigated their way to their final destination: Esme's Igloo.

The icy abode was decorated lovingly. A large fur-lined king-size bed resided to one side of the small living area. There were closets full of spare clothing and toiletries, and the whole structure was, most importantly, penguin-free.

Penguins, it turns out, were the primary reason Edward had never vacationed near the South Pole. Frankly, he was terrified of them—he wasn't sure if it was the vestigial wings, or all the waddling, or even their pointy beaks that always seemed to be smirking at him, but it only took one visit to the Seattle Aquarium with Esme to determine he wanted to keep his distance.

Jasper just laughed when Edward checked beneath the bed, in the closet, and under his pillow to verify there were no penguins hiding out.

"You know, penguins are actually very smart," Jasper said, as he pulled Edward into their bed, ready to consummate this final frontier. "Lots of them are gay."

Edward offered a noncommittal grunt and finally gave up his search for the fowl birds, climbing under the fur-lined covers to curl up with his mate in the comfortable confines of the icy igloo until morning.

When the vampires emerged the next day, both were wide eyed at the sparkling icy wonderland around them. Jasper couldn't help but fall in love with the wonder on Edward's face as he took it all in. It was exactly what Jasper had been hoping for—a chance to be with his mate as he experienced something for the first time. He hadn't seen such awe on Edward's face since the first time they'd made love.

Jasper looked at Edward to permanently etch the image of his delighted boyfriend into his memories.

Unfortunately, Edward had already spotted the nearby penguin colony, so his joy had already taken a back seat; in its place was a furrowed brow, flared nostrils, and defensive crouch.

Jasper tried not to laugh as he rubbed Edward's back, comforting him. "Just remember, they're smaller and a lot slower than you."

Edward tensed, however, growling as one of the little birds meandered in their direction.

"Shhh," Jasper cooed. "It's okay, she's just coming over to say hi."

The penguin approached, coming to a stop in front of them, cocking its head and blinking its big brown eyes. Edward watched as Jasper slowly put out his hand and patted the little bird on its head. It squeaked and hopped a bit before scuttling off toward the rest of the colony.

"See? Nothing to worry about," Jasper said, as they watched the penguin waddle about.

Edward nodded thoughtfully. Up close, she was actually kind of cute. Not as cute as Jasper, of course, but not everyone could look so amazing in a tux.

As the day wore on, Edward became more and more comfortable with the penguins, eventually taking the time to give them names and learn their favorite types of fish. He and Jasper had even gone fishing on behalf of the penguins, bringing back a wide variety to the colony around dinner time as a peace offering. Edward was won over permanently when he spotted Zippy and Vinegar, two of the more handsome male penguins, necking on a rocky outcropping at sunset. And when he and Jasper went to bed, Edward wasn't angry in the least when little Scooter nestled in their blankets by their feet for the night.

Jasper had a good deal of fun watching Edward befriend the penguins in the colony, but he was definitely eager to go for a nice long run the next day so they could explore the rest of the continent.

When Jasper emerged from their igloo the next morning, however, he found his mate teaching several of the penguins the dance from _Happy Feet. _(After watching for a few minutes with his eyebrow raised, Jasper shrugged and joined in the fun.) After lunch, Edward sat down with the birds to do a few group ice-breakers before finding out how they felt about global warming. The next day was spent swimming with the penguins, many of whom took a particular liking to the game Marco Polo.

Jasper was grew slightly impatient and more than a little bored as the days wore on and Edward engaged in the various bonding activities, and longing for a bit more of his mate's attention for himself. He was tired of reading in the igloo and sitting outside waiting for icebergs to calve and watching the icy landscape melt, refreeze, and then melt again. Besides, it was hard not to be jealous when he witnessed many of the penguins "accidentally" slapping Edward's Speedo-clad ass as they frolicked in the water.

Jasper finally decided enough was enough when Edward insisted on watching (and taking notes) while Zippy and Vinegar got it on for the fourth evening in a row. (Edward was determined to gather some new ideas for his and Jasper's own bedroom activities.)

As Jasper hauled Edward off to their igloo and tossed Herman, Blueberry, and Amenhotep from their bed, Jasper vowed he'd never take Edward anywhere new ever again. He then peeled off Edward's Speedo, and did things to his ass that would have made Zippy and Vinegar blush.

As they lay together afterward, Jasper realized exactly how dark Edward's eyes had become, and he was certain his own mirrored his mate's. They'd been ignoring their thirst but Jasper knew it would break Edward's heart to have to drink one of his new friends. Since Jasper knew most of the other species were endangered, he concluded it was time to return home.

Edward scratched his e-mail address into the ice for the penguins. With hugs and promises to keep in touch, the vampires bid the colony goodbye and made the journey back to Argentina, and eventually, Forks.

While his throat was grateful he was back in the land of mountain lions and grizzlies, Edward's heart was deeply saddened in the days ahead. He missed his friends. He couldn't help but wonder how Gumdrop was making out with her new nest and often thought of Bazooka's beautiful chick, Mustang. And then Edward's stomach clenched when he worried whether ZZ Top was getting enough food what with his squid allergy. And, of course, he smiled any time he thought of Zippy and Vinegar, and how happy they were together.

Yes, Edward missed his friends a good deal.

Jasper simply shook his head, and with the patience of a saint, supported Edward's new obsession now that they were safely back on North American soil and had a Play Station available to him while Edward wrote up his notes on penguin mating habits.

Jasper also purchased postcards for Edward to send to the birds, bought him a season pass to the local aquarium, taught the rest of the Cullens how to play Marco Polo (during which only Jasper was allowed to slap Edward's butt), donated to the World Wildlife Fund, and promised Edward that they could return to Antarctica in 10 years to check up on the gang.

He also wore his tuxedo for a solid week. Sure, Jasper got strange looks at the grocery store and post office, but it was worth it to see Edward's face when he tore the clothes from Jasper's body and fucked him hard enough to make the icebergs crack all the way in Antarctica.


End file.
